I started a wordpress,

but I don't think I'll use it much, I'm not sure. I am so fickle about everything. I got this overwhelming annoyance that any internet type thing I may have, has been infiltrated and taken for another's own purpose, just to molest my words and twist them so they fit. I don't give a shit about your daddy issues. Stalk me, I'm not changing. You however, seem to change with the slightest nudge. But you are neither here, nor there. mattering. not.

Ben has fixed his saucer gaze on my hands, and the fact that they are not touching him...but these keys instead. Today has been a very bad day, as to be expected I guess. When one thing starts work another starts to fail, it seems like that is my one and only constant. Dinner for one. again.
I'm going to attempt to put into words the order of events and the order of feelings that have been swimming around waiting for me to pull the plug.

It's been three months. ish. And I honestly didn't know if we would talk again, I just never saw any sort of opening for something like that to happen. I didn't even think I would hear a response from the text. I feel like our relationship's demise was the most hurtful of any other relationship I've had, which I think is what led me to being so cold. I felt like I wasn't ever cared about, I felt like I was just another someone you fucked over and brushed off. I just, I felt like I never knew my best friend. Is it possible to feel like you know someone as well as you know yourself, and in one second see a complete stranger. As soon as we talked it was like we never skipped a beat. I've been holing up in my house, trying to distance myself from everyone so that I never felt like I never mattered to anyone again. That's twice in my life, the first time I still don't think I mattered. You are the type to never say sorry, even if you know you should..it's just who you are, no apologies, go fuckyourself. Your apology to me is something I'll always hold on to. I hope this ends in our favor, I hope we've grown up a little more and learned a few things from being apart. I've missed having someone to finish sentences and accidentally match with. always. I feel good about things. I feel good about this part of my life anyway.
“But who can say what’s best? That’s why you need to grab whatever chance you have of happiness where you find it, and not worry about other people too much. My experience tells me that we get no more than two or three such chances in a life time, and if we let them go, we regret it for the rest of our lives. “
I'm thinking of joining the airforce, like thinking hard about it...is that bizarre?

“Being with her I feel a pain, like a frozen knife stuck in my chest. An awful pain, but the funny thing is I’m thankful for it. It’s like that frozen pain and my very existence are one.
The pain is an anchor, mooring me here."



“Nobody likes being alone that much. I don’t go out of my way to make friends, that’s all. It just leads to disappointment. “

drizzle.

it's half raining, half not. Eddie's going away tonight until late Saturday night, I'm happy. I'm happy that he can go off with his friends, and I'm happy to have some time alone, tomorrow I plan on heading to Barnes & Noble early before I have work...picking up a new spine and cracking into it. I'm feeling more and more alive, I think. It's hard to explain, happiness, seems to have that affect on me, as does growing older. I'm breathing deeper and my eyes are wider. Maybe it's the bike rides lately, maybe my bones are finally warming up after this miserable winter. Miserable only in temperature, not in experiences.

Florida in a week, could not be looking forward to this more. Still debating on how I'm going to spend my day off on Saturday, hungover no doubt...but I think depending on the weather it will be spent outside reading in the sun or inside cozied up with my babies and my new book. Oh yeah! I have Dracula for the weekend, starting tonight! Lil baby boy. The ghetto is a good friend to those he keeps around, I've grown fond of him..among others. WEIRD, speaking of. I just got a text about it from him. hahaha, so weird. Having the french doors open in my bedroom all day yesterday was such a tease, all I can hear is the rain on the tin roof.

I went to text you something awful the other night, not awfully mean, but awful as in awfully funny. Sometimes I still think you're the only one that gets certain things, I just think you're so focused on being unhappy or things going wrong..even if things are smooth, one thing can't be right. I stopped holding the grudge, I am sorry I made you feel like we were a competition, and I don't stress all the lies. I'm okay with it, I'm not bitter and that sense of betrayal didn't linger. Things happen. Lots of things have happened, I'm not sure if it's better you aren't around for them or not. I don't miss having a best friend near me really. I am content alone. Everything is easier, just sometimes I know there are things only you would appreciate. I didn't really miss you until I went to text you and realized what I was doing. Everything changes, everything progresses...in one way or many. I hope progression for you, always.

"all at once we were madly, clumsily, shamelessly, agonizingly in love with each other, hopelessly..."

I couldn't be more in love with someone, I couldn't be more happy with one single person.

"all my heart, always."

so

fucking happy it's stupid.

like seriously, retarded stupid how happy I am.



not everything is about you. nothing is, actually. except for this. i kind of like when people take things too personal, it means they self presumed their own character while I was busy thinking about family's character. on that note;
I'm happy with my brother's baby, I just...I do hope he's learned and he is going to act accordingly, like a father and not a lying, stealing, manipulative, self loathing, pot head, ass hole. I really really really hope this changed him. really. and hopefully they find a good home for that baby puggy.





blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhg. fuck blogspot though, I really think I am cutting ties, tumblr is like a corkboard.