A scared rabbit, and why shouldn't I be?

Those secrets that you’ve know
Well you’re the only one I’ve ever told
Like the summers as a child I spent alone
On the beach searching for gold
Make no mistake
I’m exactly
I’m exactly what you make me
And now I just want to dance at your funeral
Because I already paid the band
With the gold I found buried in the sand
Was I ever part of the life you had planned
Those secrets that you’ve known
Well you’re the only one I’ve ever told
Like that Christmas that I spent alone
Trying to stay alive until you got home
Visions of you with a stranger on a semen soaked love seat patterned floral
If you can cast the first stone
Well you can be the first to call me immoral
Make no mistake
I'm exactly
I'm exactly what you’ve made me.
And now I just want to dance at your funeral
Because I already paid the band
With the gold I found buried in the sand
Was I ever part of the life you had planned
Those secrets that you’ve known
Well you’re the only one I’ve ever told
Like the time you bailed me out of jail and you cried the whole way home
Then you left and I loved myself with a closed fist and your shampoo for added bliss
I must admit
I’ve gotten better since
I vomit blood when I’m my happiest
Make no mistake
Make no mistake
Make no mistake
I’m exactly
What
You
Made
Me
Those sects that you’ve known
Well you’re the only one I ever told
So I suggest you stop snooping though my things whenever I’m not home.

Relevance

I'm not in the business of acting out in the form of a scorned fifteen year old girl, so it’s hard to grasp why in the world people older than I act as such. Semi-stalking me is getting old . . . to everyone involved. Pine Lake, GA; Addison, TX; the list continues. Apparently, being internet savvy is not a trait everyone possesses.
I understand slight lurkage, whatever. But when you habitually check in on me, even while on--what I’m told--is probably a family vacay . . . get a grip. My abandoned blogspot: caught. I’m sure flickr was infiltrated the same time frame as blogspot, so I stopped 365. But I am not going to make things private and/or stop interwebbing because of one unstable blip in my other half's past. Like, if it’s irrelevant to your life--and my life is irrelevant--then it’s just borderline stalkerish. Desperation seems to have reached an all new low. Rest assured that any attempts at reconnecting, or whatever it is you're after are, laughable by my standards and get a mere “god-so-fuckin’-creepy” from him. Attempting to turn the tables, by the way, is ridiculous. Behind the safety of a privatized twitter account, no less. We have mutual friends, ma'am. And my tweet photos and misc. internet meters prove otherwise; screen captures included.
Either completely self absorbed or insecure; probably a mixture. I assure you the day-to-day annoyances I post here and there aren’t relevant to you or directed at you. My day-to-day annoyance at seeing the longitude and langitude match up from all my site meters is relevant and obnoxious. I’m sure, since you've successfully discovered and are regularly lurking my business on every social networking site or communication outlet I've touched, you know my routine and where I may be, so if you want to meet me so bad, like you cattily said, lurk on.
I've been told enough to get a synopsis of who you are: a girl with far too much time on her hands and . . . I'll spare you the gory details that miscellaneous shared acquaintances have given me. Maybe it just boils down to you getting too high to realize you're coming off as desperate or posting dumb shit and lurking yourself nuts, either way get some self control. Things are growing tiresome for everyone on the other end of someone else’s instability. Drop it and leave everyone the fuck alone.

maybe

I will pick this ole' guy back up. Things are okay I guess, kind of up in the air..typically that is how my world turns. Oh fuck, nevermind I hate this thing.

It's the day before halloween, I thought I'd sworn off blogspot. funny.

Almost everything is collapsing around the ones I love, and I can't lift a finger to help. I don't know what's more upsetting, the fact that it's all taking place or that I can't fix it.


I don't even really know what to think, everything looks so bleak right now.

jesus saves

I SPEND.

For the first time in a really long time, I am so happy. So fucking happy.

the best way to keep up with me

too many old memories on this bad boy, makin new onezzz

http://www.flickr.com/photos/sweetlittlethinggg/

and http://twitter.com/gollyjill



seee ya bonerz laterzz

now nothin' holds significance
and nothin' holds relevance
'cause the only thing i can see
is her elegance

I didn't know that it was over
'till it was too late, too late
but if I ever needed you
would you be there?

Who will love you?
Who will fight?
Who will fall far behind?




Was up until five thirty this morning, sometimes I feel
 like I'm actually making progress but it's those other
 times that start me back in square one.

1234

I'm happy, I know this works. I also know what doesn't work. Anyway, my plan until next May revolves around saving money, as much money as possible. And letting other things slip by because I know they just aren't worth it anymore.


moving forward.

So

One more day in Portland, tomorrow is going to be biking through Sauvee's Island; my favorite part of every trip. Last year it was in the fall, October..the best carmel apples I've ever had the pleasure of biting into. I'm so full of Thai food, omnom. On my second season of Dexter..fifth episode, I have to get through these while I can. I leave Oregon at five thirty am (west coast time) on Wed. morning, I arrive at six fifteen pm, Florida..east coast time. Got a cute dress today and a new grandma sweater, thanks moms. Why couldn't I have been born with an english accent!???!!

I ran into a french bulldog puppy today, died. Made me miss my babies. It gets so cold here at night, I can't wait to get to Georgia at the end of September for the wedding the weather will be so nice. Called my pops yesterday, everytime I hang up with him I cry, it's just really hard to talk to him.



Farmville on facebook is slaughtering my time while I watch Dexter.

pixxx blog

just because I'm waiting for food and my usb cord is not in Portland with me, so random pictures from my phone while I catch up on my favorite serial killer Dexterrrr. Oh yeah, I cut more bangs...still debating.

Dear Doctor Suess, Why did you leave your dog at the seven eleven?

Sleepless nights with loud neighbors.

nomomnomonom

Painted my nails to replicate sixth grade at the skating rink, an existance I never knew.
So much sushi, SOOOO much sushi.




The picture I was talking about from the antique store. 1920's thank you for this keepsake.


Onto the bangs;

I can't wait till my hair touches my middle back again.

Spent

all day boating, without a drop of service. It's almost pathetic how ill I am about my phone, mostly because I know when it's back in the game I will be overwhelmed with texts and voicemails. The weather here is so nice, no humidity...wore a hoodie over my bathing suit, so awesome. Watching reruns of Friends never gets old, ever. Like every male I know hates this show...I just can not get behind that. I got a lot of trout and okay heregoess....I got really sad being up close and personal with the fish..at first I was all gung ho look out fish. But I ripped the lip off my third one and saw blood and I half felt like god, what the fuck am I doing? That's so weird of me....but I caught more, I love fishing...I suck..

Walked Wilson this morning before we went sailing and I stepped in his shit, I should have known today would be a "grumpy baby" day.
Pms is a real shitshow....hahahahahahahaha god that shouldnt have made me laugh like it did.


Oh yeah, hospital day before yesterday to see the specialist...had to swallow this stuff that's natural element is rock.....basically this fell out of my mouth after hearing that;
" Oh? cool Doc so you basically just said I will have wet cement slushing around my small intestine? Why don't you ask your nurse friends if they want to make a footprint and signature before it dries up....INSIDE OF ME!"
I'll leave you with that.

antiquing.

Found a cast iron boston terrior door stop, 42$ christmas present.
Came across a picture from 1921, a girl of about eight hugging a boston terrier on the front stairs to a house. Cha Ching. A few momentos from the trip so far, when my mother and I get together it's days and days of antiquing. I don't hate it, that's forsure.

Just had my tarot cards read, I call horseshit....Anyway..woke up to this;

"fuck you" "mother fuck you" "I hate myself everyday" " I need to stop loving you" I really won't go on..but it started my day off on the wrong foot, or what I used to refer to as the wrong side of the bed... you know, because there IS a wrong side of the bed when you've shared it with someone for years. It's a horrible empty, gut wrenching feeling; that has finally made it's way out of my heart. " I built this life and now it's mine."
I'm accident prone, in more ways than one.


One chapter of my life, done.

The second one;

I miss my dogs and my boyfriend. But I do love being here with my family. Sailing all day tomorrow, I finally get to see the newest sailboat. But I'm hoping to steer the old one, she's my favorite. Twenty third St on Friday aka shopping ALL day, thanks moms. The weekend will be spent at the beach house in Washington......aka crab everynight nomomnom.

I have arrived

and I can't sleep. It's around five o'clock my time, need to be asleep. The long flights and layovers gave me lots of room to think and I should get it all out now, but I just can't..maybe tomorrow.




The movie Miss March blows, cool comedic relief...not.

Job

interview in around an hour, I am officially done slinging wings and beer...so over being female.

Last night I had the house to myself, I miss being content on my own/with my dog. I miss not having to worry about anything aside from what I'm going to read next or what movie I'll rent. Things were just simpler because I only had myself to let down and no one else could ruin my good time...or not good time, just whatever I had going on. I've been in between with leaving my phone off perched on my desk or on inside of my grasp. I think the first does me some good, I can actually get through a chapter or sketch. I'm so weird, when I have someone around I don't like doing anything creative...I guess I'm so private about that, I always have been...even when I was nominated for art shows I just couldn't bring myself to let anyone aside from my teacher see things...same went for writing. When I took an extra Lit class my junior year my teacher was up my ass about sending things in and I refused, so she'd do it anyway. I'm just an odd bird. I leave for Portland on Monday in the afternoon, I'm trying to see how much it would be to just leave Sunday. Then it's eleven days of one of my favorite places to call home, I wish I could just leave tonight.

I'm aiming for thrift store browsing before work tomorrow, would be nice. I haven't done anything solo in what seems like forever, though I know it's only been some months. My brother's getting married at the end of September and I'm going to be an aunt, it still is so trippy to think about. We are all growing up...Matthew has his license, still can't get over that. Taylor's a sophomore in high school, Elizabeth is in law school..she has so much under her belt she has always been one to take on any task given to her. Jesse, well I can not wait to see Jesse on Monday he's seventeen now, built like a man with a deep voice to boot...and seems to be riding my coat tails in the witty department. I miss my dad more than I like to think about, it kills me being this far from home. Soon I'll be back though, maybe sooner than I've been planning..who knows. My head is on straight and I've got nothing but support. My nails are like a gold yellow color making typing so fun for me. I'm glad Kelly and I have become friends, she's like a life counselor for me. Haha and I'm the annoying kid sister needing her problems fixed.

Ironically

enough, I just recieved this text.

"google map my house and click street view."

My xterra is in the picture next to his focus, that means we were both inside of the house when the picture was taken. Meaning we were probably laid up on the couch watching tv eating food he would make me. I hope that picture was on one of our good days, I've just been pretending it was. I forgot how big the house was, sometimes I forget I lived there.
http://maps.google.com/maps?hl=en&tab=wl&q=108%20Crown%20Walk%20Mcdonough%2C%20GA%2030253



I am at a loss for words when it comes to the nitty gritty. I just feel vile and crying has made it better. This day already started out off, hearing that people aren't what I thought added to my displeasure in this Wednesday. Then getting that text sent me off the edge.


Portland. Portland. Portland. Hurry up and get here Monday so I can fly away.

blast off

I haven't blogged and in all honesty I don't know what to blog about.
I need to picture blog.



uhhhhhhhh, I suck. I miss Atlanta like insanely. I just doodled Milo's name for close to fifteen minutes before I realized that I was in fact doodling my dog's name. I suck. Today I texted Edward with the following, " I wish Milo could text." I in all honestly do. I leave for Portland on the 18th...Eddie leaves for Philly on the 14th, gets back on the 17th....we have like a week in august together..and then like a day. Will be weird. This will be the longest I've been away from my dog, when I went to Fort Walton for a week I was in tears by the second day wanting to go home because I missed him. Portland is going to break me. But I am ridiculously excited for West Coast seafood.....totally a fat girl, zero care. I have a layover in Atlanta on the way, will feel kind of good. hahaha. I can not wait for Washington's beaches....boulders, actual sea life on the beach, feels nice with a hoodie of course. I get to see my mom and brother far less than my Georgia family. I wish I could combine all of them in one little area and live, wish in one hand and shit in the other...see which one fills up faster.

I love my new phone. I was a little freaked out about decisions other people were making, but I figured out it isn't mine...people have to learn and who I am to say what is right for them just because it's wrong for me. keep that mentality, or trying to.

Went to Orlando today....ate some bomb ass cupcakes. I was in a mood so I had everyone in hysterics...I hate myself sometimes. coyote.

I've been twittering, fuck whoever thinks it sucks. I do it rarely but I like keeping up with everyone so buh. and it's easier to complain on there.

" Look. I don't want to fight with you. I hate it. Shit in the past means nothing to me unless it involves you. I like being with you Jill. You make me so happy."

Boyfriend brag, sue me. You know we never ever really fight...that wasn't even anything just be being annoyed. One of the first things his dad said to me was you'll be lucky to get an I'm sorry..even if it is his fault and he comes by it honestly. But he is always the first to say I'm sorry or take the blame for whatever even if it's nothing and I stirred the pot. He has been pretty amazing. Last night I seriously know I looked disgusting but he had been staring and he just "Bobby you are so pretty." " I love your eyes." To which I replied, ewwww.

hahahahaaha. I guess I'm just not used to someone being like that when I'm with them, I don't know. I don't hate it. We've started our Atlanta fund. St. Augustine on one day off and Orlando the next for a cupcake....and of course the beach and piggies. This is how we will be spending our last week of August together.

I feel like I've blogged a lot. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...

Portland, see you soon.

just had an hour long conversation with kelly.


I miss shepherds pie.



I am sick of the blogging life. I miss Atlanta and I can not wait to be nestled in between a row of shotgun houses and marta buses. I hope to god I am not going to look back and realize I am taking things for granted. I need to learn to embrace what I have right when I have it. There's always one memory that always plays around in my brain, the creeking of the futon under our weight and the sun peeking in through the blinds. Jack Johnson looped and Milo was still a little pup with his cow belly. Occasionally Ellie would get spooked and mouth off just to be shushed so we could lay in bed even longer. I know that in the stillness of those mornings there was a lot that had remained unsaid and even more that was left unknown, but I hold on to the warmness of living in complete oblivion...it may have hurt like hell later, but right then it was the closest thing to home. I hope that I have more times like that, the times that still feel warm and happy a year later.

I think you are fucking up over and over and over again and I can't tell you anymore. But I think you are going to regret.

wish

the atlanta trip couldve lasted longer.

I already miss the ones I love.

sleepy

at my parents. We arrived around sevenish, completely surprised my brother for his sixteenth birthday today. He pulled up an I jumped out he seriously has never hugged me that hard before. Still hurting. Anyway, I cried a little.

Today we've mostly pooled and hung out with family. Got up around ten to take Eddie and the siblings to the park. Played splashing games with Milo in the pool and sked took him down the slide hahaha...ended in scratches.

Alison's on her way down to hang around for birthday junk. Tomorrow will be spent in Atlanta, gotta sell some clothes to ragodag and see some folks. I miss working at the rag. Anywayyy Edwards sound asleep with Milo and I am thinking of an afternoon nap myself.

I am also going to work on being a nicer person. I really am going to try and make an effort in that department. I can't let small things get such a big reaction out of me. Time to grow up....and stuff.

so

eddie asked me if in a year when he moved back to Atlanta if I'd want to live together.

not much would change, I said yes.

But that is a year away, anythings possible.

Georgia next weekend, surprise bitches.

it's childish

but the fact that I had low-pros before you even knew they were out makes me happy.

Orlando tonight. Start Abercrombie next week.
Flea market this past weekend...reasons why my boyfriend is my boyfriend;
came back from the flea market with matching buddah statues and matching boston terrier tank tops he had made for us. hahahaha, I hate him.

Was going to buy new sunglasses for sked tomorrow when I get paid but today I was seriously contemplating these seventy dollar jeans..regularly ninety, anyway he I guess knew what my sunglass plan was and said "Bob don't get me sunglasses, get yourself jeans." and just kept insisting so...I gave in and I love my jeans. Fourth of July wasn't really eventful we both worked so afterwards we just walked around beachside. Last night I shopped to fill voids, dustpan.. new boxers for him. febreeze candles that smell delecious. new lingerie victoria secret was having a killer sale.

No more shopping anytime soon.

Beach today....sand tornado kicked our asses, I like Florida's storms in the summer. Eddie's truck will finally be on the road by this weekend.
I miss Al and I just miss home in general.
Dumb post but I'm feeling idle and this isn't ever for anyone anyway just clearing my scattered brain of clutter.

and really just a big fuck you, to you.

i

am getting tattooed.

I'll be quiet to keep you quiet.
Don't concern yourself with my slow dying.
Through the vents I hear you sigh.
I don't get too high these days. Your floor is my ceiling.
Lights out, you can't come in. If you don't remind me, I won't forget you.
If you don't ask, I won't upset you.
I am jet black.I am stone cold.
Jet black to the center.
Funny like a funeral.
I need you to bury me.
White noise in black room dust.
These hands long for one last touch.
Hourglass all out of trust.
I don't scratch so I won't itch.
I don't reach so I won't miss.
I taste our last kiss.
This is the cure: the same as the symptom.
Simple and pure: break to keep fixing.
Patiently nurse, patient and nurse.
This is the part I wouldn't show you.
The part where you say, "I don't even know you."
This is your cue. Be glad it's through

The sting of nostalgia and the high of release..a combustable package.

Last night I dreamt that I chopped you up into a hundred little pieces, like a Benihana chef, and ate them, one by one. You tasted like chicken. Afterward, I felt full but slightly disappointed. I had been craving steak.

I plan to forget this dream. I will block out the grainy texture of you as moo shu. The itch of swallowing you dry. I will erase it completely, without lingering echoes or annoying deja vu, despite the possibility that my dream led me inexorably to this moment.

Because I already know that unlike the dream - this dead end- this one is going to stick.
I am living an inevitable memory...

Today I break up with you in a restuarant that has crayons on the table and peanut shells on the floor. A drunken woman in the midst of her bachelorette party, wearing little more than a cowboy hat and tassels, attempts to organize a line dance. I realize now that I should have waited for a better backdrop. It looks as if I think our relationship adds up to nothing more than a couple beers ( on my behalf) and some satisfying , but fiery, Buffalo wings. This is not the effect I was going for.

I had imagined the disentangling would be straight forward and civilized.

deleted

and just like that, it's done.


Just found out a friend got a divorce...weird. Weird they were even married...waaayy to young.

Anyway, twerkin tonight. werrkin and twerkin. I have to wear these ridiculous shorts, will earn tips. Looked at another beach house today. I don't know what I'm doing.

buh. thasss all folks.


Okay I just realized Alison and I talk every day on the phone...when I moved from home to go off to school I talked to Cadence like once a week then once a month then hardly ever. Alison and I have made a point to always be in contact, even if it's about nothing but to be mouth yuppies. Not to say my relationship with Cadence is or was bad, because we still are best friends and I know I can call her at anytime and vice versa. It's just different Alison and I have both made like a joint effort even with six hours between us. It's nice having that kind of friend.

Dear Dylan, I hate you...still.

Alls well that doesn't end well.

Race week, slangin birs and wings...and making a killing. Bartending soon.
I love not giving a shit during the summer. Work, beach. Work, beach.

Which come to think of it, I may be done censoring..don't like it don't read it. Want to assume it's about you? Go'n do it. and go'n hate, I'm quite sure of both those things.
I have three pups that have my heart even when their peeing contests make me want to scream. At Heather's doing laundry...worked all day. Speeding ticket due next week:( Boyfriend at nine to go eat on his break. Back to laundry. Tomorrow night back to bar wenching and it's karaokeeeeeeeeee, which means Chuggie and Eddie will be making an appearance....hilarious I seriously was crying from laughing so hard when they did Paul Revere.

Last night after dinner Charlie and I just walked around the beach looked at this house Eddie and I found that's close to perfect.
Light blue, two blocks from the beach, two car garage, pool, three bedroom and a full basement. It's seriously ideal. I'm starving I've only eaten a bagel today at like eleven. I wasn't really in a blogging mood but I'm kind of having a mindless banter at this point.
Portland/NY in August.
I miss Fran.

Oh and I'm going to be an Aunt, wadddupppp Auntie Jill!

It feels good to just be young and fool around with life. Lets just leave it at that.

wow

seeing an ex boyfriends first initial and then last name on a random ass blog is off putting.
Anyway, I never do this.
I made myself sick between the hours of 6am and 8am this morning only to fall asleep to redreaming the same fucked up shit.

Planning a trip to Portland in August, could not need it more.

We seriously go to the beach as much as we possibly can, it's been nice just having us time to goof off and take walks on the beach, watch him surf, dig for sand fleas and have intense dunking sessions and sand fights. I feel like a kid and I don't ever feel like growing up. It's done me a lot of good. I was talking about this the other day, I haven't gotten one red flag since I've met him. Pays for my food, buys me shoes/whatever, puts gas in my tank, isn't a wolf in sheeps clothing. I have to remember that.

I'm getting more and more girl friends down here and it's been nice, really nice. I still miss Alison a lot but we talk daily so it's no thing, she may be coming down for her birthday in which case that would be awesome.

I'm the new photobrat for my friends in school, made a stop motion video today..... seriously turned out so cool.
This will probably be a semi long post because I never get around to this anymore, probably not a bad thing.
I don't know what to blog on, aside from I've started using that twitter bullshit.

Growing up sucks, leaving people behind hurts...but I think later on things will be okay..even if it takes losing another year.

tupac looped.

okay

I will get this bull over with just to perhaps lighten my load.


I've been home since Wed....Alison came to Griffin then Meantime/Eddie came and stayed at my parents. After being sexually accosted by the Josh's we went to sleep.

Thursday- nineties party/made up with Tharik.
Friday- too hung over to function + a convertible ride= me hating my life.
Saturday- Picked up Brody and he is a fucking handful.
Sunday-Pool.
Monday- Is today, went to fayetteville got hair necessities then my Auntie treated me to my favorite pizza place. Came home laid around the pool floating and having a heart to heart. Now about to show my blonde newgrowth whose boss and do something else with my mop. Then color and cut alison's.

My dad said something that got me thinking and it has the potential to help me make an important decision. drop my heart and pick up my head.

There are things that need addressing and my eblog is not the time or place for them but when is really. My body is falling apart and I can't remember the last meal I ate without throwing it up. I go see the specialist tomorrow, at first I wanted someone with me but now I'm opting to go it alone. I can handle this, I've always done well and I really think I will just want to be alone completely alone after my appointment. So my six hour drive with the piggies will be my perfect alone time. Lots of thinking, which I finally need to do. I'm soaking up as much sun as I possibly can before I'm not allowed out in the sun. I need color and sunshine!

Might go to a drag show tonight, guess we will see. I'm starving but it seems so pointless to eat when I know fifteen minutes later my stomach will reject it. buh, someone fix me.

I've missed Atlanta, being here made me realize just how much. I'll be back for good soon enough. It's funny though, Florida is obviously hot but there's always a breeze..here there's nothing. just hot. I do miss the beach.

I think tonight I want to spend it on the top of Wachovia and walking through downtown like the old days. I'm done for now, but I'll be back later.

this

is all pointless.

i

have a problem with the truth.

I

should probably get my anxiety in check, today after viciously honking my horning screaming/raging out of the window I almost followed the dumb fuck (insert racial slur) to wherever he was going to and lay his dumb ass out. I was so mad I was visibly shaking. Granted he tried pulling some nig shit to the cars in front of me, then to me..um excuse me? I know you see my demolish derby ass xterra get the fuck out of my way. Usually I am so Idk, I have slight road torrets anyway but I am not so quick to want to manhandle a man and make him cry, but I swear I could have..but I needed to make it to the flea market and do my laundry so I had a limited time schedule to work with. That sentence sounds like I do my laundry at the flea marker, I don't. Got tipped twenty on a thirty, thank you sir.


I have a lot to say, a lot but I just can't bring myself to face/say them outloud.

All I do is think, people have been saying "jill, youre so quiet." "jill whats up with you" I just have to shrug it off. Lots of things are up with me, and I'm thinking so I'm quiet. I'm annoyed with everything, so I'm quiet. Things aren't okay and I haven't a clue what I want with anything or anyone. I just want to be alone/with milo or with my best friend. But that plan is shot to hell, so in turn I feel even more lost.

Portland? shall I? or will I just be more miserable and alone than I already feel.

I feel jumbled, unstable, bittersweet, used, more jumbled, any adjective for jumbled, scrambled, chopped, covered, (lol wafflehouse) loaded and unloaded. I feel alone, just alone. cause and effect I guess.

annoyance: when people say sec, like gimme a sec. I can not stand sec instead of second.

hormones, helloooo.

rant blog

and if you don't like it, then don't read it. I have seriously had the worst two days in a looong time. So I am about to unleash, then probably delete. gfy.


things i can not stand; I am a relatively nice person unless you have crossed me or are just a rude bitch, I tolerant a lot of shit and have more than a ridiculous amount of patience for the ignorant. But fuck, are you kidding me? I am not retarded, so to talk to me like I am will only end in me being a mega bitch.. The thing is that I don't get how people even get to that side of me, like you must be a real fuck up..aahem.



my nails have gotten long enough for typing to be an annoyance, buh. whatever. On top of that I'm supposed to go to georgia wed-friday.....now that's not happening and it makes me want to headbutt a baby. I neeeed to get away. I need to see my family and I need to see Alison and just have best friend fun.

They've been saying florida summers are all rain, makes me want the city all that much more.

IM STARVING.

orlando tomorrow. fifty buck tip on one party today....helloooo blue skies.


NOT, because Florida is flooding.

but seriously, need to keep saving. $$$$$$ need to live right next to the beach.

need to sleep early. got sanuks as a gift. buh. that's really it, just buh on everything.. this rain. I am in like no sun mode so shit's all gloomy and i gave in to the tanning bed today.

then went to get my nails done, no one is open past seven here..wtf? georgia is like till nine. fml.

made

like ninety bucks last night. Getting to the homestead at two am, does suck..but the money is worth it.

Drunk irishmen is what mainly fills the nights, both entertaining and annoying.



buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhh, buh buh black sheep have you any wool?

i

love you.


it's hanging on the tip of my tongue I just can't ever let it out.

Happy Birthday You

got me straight trippin boo.




In all seriousness....lots of trippage. I'm all confused and unsure, of everything.

screaming gets you no where.





always.
always and I won't ever be able to help it.
It's embarrassing.

naughty bits

unloaded more shit.


packed shit i didnt mean too. ended up re reading.

buuuh, why is everything so complicated. ready for a nest.

it's official

I've gone brain dead, I must have because of the amount of absolute brain dead things I do.

I like the new yeah yeah yeahs stuff.
Louder, lips speak louder
Better back together
Still it’s a shock, shockto your soft side
Summer moonCatch your shut eye
In your room, in my room.


Love my name
Love left dry
Frost or flame
Skeleton me
Fall asleep
Spin the sky
Skeleton me
Wait, don't cry
Love, don't go
Love, don't cry
Skeleton me
Skeleton me
Soon comes rain
Dry your eyes
Frost or flame
Skeleton me
Fall asleep
Spin the sky
Skeleton me
Love, don't cry
Love, don't cry
Love, don't cry
Skeleton me
Skeleton me
Skeleton

okay that's it. I'm kind of over blogspot as a whole. It just reminds me how retarded everything is.

Euthanizing humans, plz

Soooo grossed out by the fact that Asher Roth is making more money than my father who has worked his ass off. All because of that I love college bull, uh seriously? Like okay, sorry I didn't partake in being passed around the frat house while I was unconcious due to too many rounds of; insert fun hip college drinking game like beer pong. Which yes, we have all played...but come on it is not a relegion or rules to live your life by while you listen to widespread panic. I just can not get into it.Your probable jesus tattoo, beer pong rep, and or instrument you can barely play- does not make you a down ass dude. Your lack of a gpa, a job, a brain to think for yourself, just doesn't make you a bad ass at the end of the day. And taking pride in being "scum" or getting "scummy" still doesn't qualify as bad ass. The next kid walking through the door with a fuzzy past ( and by fuzzy past I mean your parents probably seperated and now you get two christmases) is just if not more bad ass than you."Hey, I think because you sit on the couch all day and watch TV and do drugs and drink beer shortly before fucking "that broad with nice tits"...without reason to go get place to live, and support yourself....just really doesn't make you shit. I think it just makes you trash, disgusting trash and trash really just isn't all that cool. Its just an excuse not to do something, not to move on, not to better yourself- you lazy piece of shit. So cool pull the seven years doing nothing but "loving college" because god knows those are the best years of your ridiculous life. Oh along with chart topping for some bullshit my little sister wouldn't be caught dead listening to.Trust me, your shitty band ( or lack there of) with lack of talent and reason, isn't exactly going to make the biggest impression on the world either. It is just going to make your five other little bad ass friends fucked up in the same trashy frat house tell you "that shits awesome"...because they, just like you, are living a fucking lie.Sooner or later, you will know I'm right when you are the same old sack of shit you were as a teenager and young adult.And trust me, your myspace with your band's shitty song, isn't exactly going to save you from failing either. You don't stand for anything except something for me and my friends to laugh about at the end of the week.You're ridiculous anthem (s) are not going to save you Asher Roth even though you did manage to score a pack of smokes without paying for it: you're not more badass than I or any other stranger walking down the street. At least I can safely say there is a hell of a lot more to me than that.You party animal bro, you.bro dog you're like just living your college life, like right? "Now if everybody would pleasePut their drink as high as they canAs high as they can And repeat after me
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUGCHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
FRESHMAN FRESHMAN FRESHMAN FRESHMAN
DO SOMETHIN CRAZY DO SOMETHIN CRAZY DO SOMETHIN CRAZY DO SOMETHIN CRAZYKEG STAND KEG STAND KEG STAND KEG STAND"
and to those you defend this idiot fuck, "he has some really good shit" Save it, because if this came out of his retarded ass brain, euthanize this shitbag.
cool shirt bro, now please get hit by a car.

okay

so watching that tricks videos is pretty ridiculous of me, but it's like car wreckage and I am a looky lou. I just can't look away from it, she is past the fucking due date. Spoiled milk. Somebody left her ass out in the sun for too long.

She and asher roth both need to be put down like unwanted kittens.

I think Milo and Ben may suffer from seperation anxiety, because at night when I get home shit looks like it got ransacked. The coffee table will be in the hallway, or they got into cds and like ate them. Last night I couldn't find Ben anywhere I didn't see him go out the door but the point was that it could have happened and I couldnt find him in the house and he wasnt answering. I'm on the phone with Alison like " okay if I can't find him, I am really killing myself because my ass is dead." Anyway I look in the house one more time and I hear something in the bathroom that little shit was hiding in the bathtub. I had to explain I am not your dad and I suck at discipline so I will clean up the mess you two made and that will be that. I told ed about what I told Alison, and he replied with " aww jillbeanssss" to that I said you know you would have taken me out back and shot me so do not aww jill beans me.

Anyway, tacos for breakfast are on their way. And I need to get ready for my salon interview.

Oh yeah, family dog died.. moms called me around two. worst story ever..I've only repeated it to edv. He is the only one who'd get it, like most things I guess. Speaking of I just saw he called at eight thirty this morning, haha snooozin. must call him back.

life is funny. it's twisty and topsy turvy. I don't know if I'm a huge fan yet, but I am putting forth effort to make the best of an all around bad situation.

portland, one day.

blah blah

brakes went out on my car while eddie and i were at pantera bread.

suuuuuucked, is getting fixed soon but it's a lot of money.

applied a few places in daytona today. looks like i may be moving once again.




quite a pickle I'm in.

off to the beach, see ya losers.

p.s. alison is the best friend I could ever have asked for. true life, I am an interweb bully.



suck on that.

just

got off the phone and I have been on and off crying since.



we both miss. that's all we know.
we both feel like home for the other.

that is all we will ever know.

I

could say some snarky shit. I could be completely ridiculous right now and it wouldn't really be out of spite, mostly just a long standing dislike. But I don't want to be horrible, I need to turn over a new leaf when it comes to this. Stop harboring so much angst when it comes to these kinds of situations, because as everyone knows I am no stranger to these situations.


bad seed, you are a bad seed. a very bad seed.



My car is fucked, my phone is fucked. anything else?

Yesterday Eddie got into a fight with a mall cop, I seriously lost my shit laughing after I thought about it later on. He is a firecracker. Ohhh and Papa Shearrow has been begging Sked to tattoo him, and he finally did. It looks so clean.

Can we talk about how laughable she is? For just one second? like laughable. Just fyi, youre a joke, like a terrible..bad punch line joke. You always have been and now you've been ensured to always being a joke. I'm more than pleased all I heard about the situation from other people was downgrade then lots of laughing. Downgrade is an understatement. hahahaha, fuuuck I still am like wait..is that supposed to be a serious attempt? And one memory keeps coming to mind, like when I lived in Ford Factory and she came over to hang out with MC, how you and I both partook in laughing about it. Almost two years later and what'll ya have, what'll ya have? I shouldn't be so mean, but it's almost an insult that, that happened. Like uh? But oh well.

Things You Should Never Do, unless youre mocking someone else.
1. Take serious photos with your phone/camera in a mirror.
2. Bird Bestfriend. (i am so glad Alison is fucking awesome)
3. Be a female and go to sleep listening to metal.
4. Wait, listen to metal.
5. Have snake bites at any point in your life, fucked.
6. Hook up with a fellow sharktooth.
7. Have more than 7 fillings.
8. Look like you could have just been dead for several months.
9. Try and pull off a hair color that makes you look even more dead. (having graduated from Aveda, maybe I am just a hair snob....but gawdamn.)
10. I will not even get into the tattoo portion because it just makes me cringe. Cool job making a joke out of something beautiful. bad skeet stamp, bad.
11. I can't even finish this, but looking back on alisons I hate her photo album cracks me up, because it was the same time frame I called this shit and we were like mocking and being terrible people of course via pictures and months later...look who was right.

me, again.
I can't decide if it's a blessing or a curse, figuring shit out long before the due date.
just laughable.

Did Bernie Mac really die?

You go screaming on without a word
Being sad is a fulltime work
And now the day has come to an end
And then you start to cry again.


I need to remain focused. I rode up that hill as if my life depended on it, with each push I felt more at ease. When I got to the top I realized how cold it was outside when the sun was down and I hugged my bicycle like it was a blanket.

I need new headphones for my ipod so on my downtime I can go back to laying in the grass during the day and right as twilight hits listening to playlists. I miss those days and I miss the trampoline.

monday

and tuesday off, then begins my fifty hour weeks.

saturday stayed in the Aug went to the Nest, did the butterfly, shopping cart and the sprinkler in the midst of pop locking and dropping it. all of like 5 people were there while max played records. so it was a lot of fun, I decided to hit up daytona after work instead of doing the nest with everyone, even though sunday nights are a huge deal. so next weekend, I'll stick around.

I really like things right now. I live for csi marathons, snuggling with pigbulls, mixed cds, the beach and tan lines, picture messaging, chocolate covered key lime pie and some kind of sandwich the boys in the kitchen make me right now. that's all.

sometimes I let my mouth win and say things I know better too, but eh..fugg it. My phone sucks too, btw. its always on and off.

jack johnson, give it a rest..please.

over it. like actually over it. over like everything, I realized a lot of key things in the past two days.

with help. but I'm in a new place, I've made friends..like legitimate people I'd hang out with and I don't stop laughing. This town is really cool, and it's beautiful. I feel like I'm always exploring things and like it will always be like that here. I'm not letting anyone hinder me from life experience again, I want to live for me. Just me, everything else will fall into place. I just do not want to be tied down to anything.

I made my bed and now it's time to sleep.

it's going to be a much needed sleep.

I had a dream last night and it was like me and Jon and Tharik were in it. It was weird like I remember we talked about a bunch of shit and realized how dumb things were then we went sledding in some park. Other people were there but I guess because of conflict or what was conflict with them that's all I really remember from it. Bizarre how things change. I guess that dream was stemmed from me going through all my old comments from when I made my new myspace and I was so close with those boys, even after the break up. And then I don't know, I guess it's all irrelevant now because everyone has different lives totally unrelated to everyone else but somehow still tied together. But I did have fun with them, always laughing and it was just always fun not doing anything but hanging out or watching Josiah dance to some song either clothed or naked with swords and some kind of ultimate creepy child molester face plastered on while he shimmied to wu tang. Making oreo pie. I remember we all used like tupperware plastic tops and an actual box to sled in Freedom park one year, while I had pneumonia then our heat went out and everyone stayed at Jons for like a week. One of the nice things about it was I could be in sweats looking like shit and no one cared. I felt like I had a bunch of brothers and I really thought we'd always be close, they always seemed to really care even when things went sour. They never took sides they were just welcoming and accepting, which when Eddie and I broke up I really thought shit I'm going to lose them. I didn't but little did I know how things would wind up months later, completely different and all skewed. Everyone sees things with a different perspective, I have to remember that and while I may not agree or some things may have been twisted or said/done without thinking...people are entitled and I am not one to force things on people. Things changed that shouldn't have and now that chapter of people are long gone.
Hopefully a new chapters on it's way in...

very high

a bunch of useless bullshitting.

shouldnt be posting at five am.

i love work, and tomorrow im going to buy myself things to make myself feel better about all the shitty shit. When I'm out with people is it weird I miss my dog most of the time or I'd rather just be on the couch cuddling him. dont care.


tonight i witnessed some of the funniest shit in the world. will tell about tomorrow.

fuck

you.

don't be so melodramatic. You pulled this same shit when things went sour in 2007. I'm no different from the last, and the next will be no different from me. It's a cycle you've started... so mourn and grieve...it'll be the same the next time.


and now I'm over it. I'm over everything possible. past, present and future.

Milo is really the only thing I need to worry about. get my shit straight. and you do the same.

oh

horoscope is to trust my gut this week. my gut is killing me from eating so much pudding.

not

really much to say aside from I'm ready to put the past in the past. I'm ready to forget or make one hell of an attempt too. I re read through when I started blogspot. In actuality I have to take a lot of the blame for the demise of everything, I knew all along how it would end and why. I just chose to turn my head. In turn it ends up being no one's fault but my own. I learned my lesson and my head won't turn again in dismissal. Today's my day off; beach this morning and again after four..ate my weight in banana pudding thanks to jackie shearrows easter dessert.


I love my job, I have so much fun. The guys are fun, keep me laughing and one wears a fedora. Cute little italian. I love italians.

off to eat more pudding and enjoy my life.

oh yeah, foot is pretty much healed so my bicycle with a basket loves a good ride.

first

day of work went amazing.

Had a lot of fun. Work all this week. Daytona for tonight then back Sunday I would assume.

I'm the only girl at work so it's just goofing off. one of the guys has an identical personality to caleb hill, real charmer.


blah blah, good day:) ate subs at the skatepark and finishing the night off right with oatmeal cream pies.

recrapped

buuuh buh buh buh buh buuuuhhh buh buh buh buh buh buuuh.



i feel like in a week things will come together. ben has been whining forever so I did this trick sked usually does where he pretends he has food in his hand and ben goes nuts. So i did that and he seriously licked on my hand for like 2o minutes. and now they are both snoring so loud under the covers. I'm about to head to the skatepark with the pigs in a little bit. It's insane, I was catching up with Alex ( which was so nice) anyway she was like it's cool you followed through with your plan. It's cool, I'm excited. ( tom green is on for the love of ray j right now, uh WTF)
I dont have much of an update im just buuuhing around right now. my dog is the sweetest thing alive in other news.

empty in between-tegan and sara

sweetlittlething jkd

"sweet little thing
maybe i ain't no good
sweet little thing
i ain't done what i should
let them think what they want
but all i want is you"


i believe that, but i have to tell myself it isnt true.

not sure what to even put down aside from, I'm sorry too.

I'm sorry that I feel like youre the only one who knows all sides of me.
I'm sorry I get so pushy when I'm anxious and freaking out.
I'm sorry I can't not talk to you, I wish it were that easy.
I am sorry I still picture things, but that part is always better left unsaid.

It feels like mute lovers screaming. I feel like my mouth is open and moving and no one can hear what's actually coming out of it, not like it matters if they could..because it all amounts to meaningless bullshit anyway. I just I don't know. Yesterday I was to the skatepark and I kept picturing you and Ellie and an unknown bt (bugsy?) in an apartment..not sure where in my head it was just north of atlanta somewhere...no idea why. Your record player was on and you were just doing shit around the place and those two were just idly following you like dogs do. Made me sad that if that scenario were to ever play out, I wouldn't be there for it. And I know that that is partly by my own choice , I realize that. But I feel like It's a valid choice in the matter of head vs heart. And I'm letting head win, because my heart always ends up with a dickslap (lol) I don't know, I love Florida. Milo is so cute here. And I like things here, I'm getting adapted. Beachin ain't easy. However regardless of where I am or whom I'm around...If I start thinking about you or anything related to you I start to cry, I have to put my sunglasses on or pretend I have allergies. I have never been so easy to cry as I am these days and it is not hormone related. I wish I could chalk it up to that, would make everything easier. I was talking to Callie about it and I called Ben about it too. Haha, weird. Anyway Callie said you know he would give you the world youd just have to get past feeling like he wouldn't. I don't know how to get past that feeling, it's one of the only feelings I tie to everyone I know now.

I have trouble taking anyone seriously because of you, I don't think they are sincere or genuine. And I'm kind of thankful because I'm not ready for more heartache. If I expect to get shit on, when it happens it won't feel so bad. Hahaha, FML? lilbit

cheers.

I

am annoyed beyond reason. so annoyed.
last night i wore a purple 1980s dress with a big fucking bow. i need to be put down.

ben has been staring at me for close to an hour with his saucer like eyes, I feel like he is plotting something.

anyway I'm so annoyed. i want to repeat that sentence over and over and over again. getting louder with each time.


I'M SO FUCKING ANNOYED.
i really think i fucked my foot good, hello life of a club foot..here I come.
going to the hospital, tonight. fuck my fucking fuck fuck life.

recap

of my drunken escapade to become a pro longboarder. FML
I see something with wheels while intoxicated, must try out.
I am a notorious clutz while impaired, lake house...fell down a flight of stairs...toppled would be more appropriate, got up after gave a thumbs up and my tongue out for a picture. I can be a real party animal when in the mood. (did I mention photogenic?) Anyway, it's just how I do..wake up with some bumps and bruises the next day and I know I had fun...pics or it didnt happen. Well last night I was just minding my own business in Port Orange longboarding through the neighborhood, I call dis priss and I'm just drunk yackin then i get going pretty fast and also get pretty distracted and I start toppling. Always elbows first I never land with my wrists, I guess thats from snowboarding. So I have a bloody elbow and I'm like fuck it keep going. I piece by phone back together turn it on to do another drunk dial im sure. Hit a drain and I topple. Feet and ankles are covered in blood...road burn for real. My ankle feels like i just pumped a hammer on it and I am still more concerned with getting back on the board. As I hobble/drag/cry/sloth by way to finding this longboard Jackie pulls up and is like uuuhhh???? i throw the board in...tempted to start crying but I hold it together. Get back, ice pack, ace bandage and a computer. good to go. I wake up this morning to find toilet paper stuck to my open wounds, not fun. and a bag of what WAS frozen peaches in the bed with me.


Because of my hangover I am about to get so upclose and personal with my blogspot.
The events of yesterday;
I leave the skatepark and come to jackies, prior to this I got a route 44 cherry limeade from sonic.....never a good idea. So I'm just driving, once again minding my own business when out of no where mt.Vesuvius goes off via my stomach. I am gripping the wheel and praying to all that is good and holy if this poor bastard from Ohio in front of me goes any slower I will demolish derby is midwestern ass so hard. I call jackie warning her of what is to come, " Jackie I am about to plow through your door and plunder your restroom, stormy nights is a fucking understatement of what is to come." ( stormy nights is the name of her air freshener for the bathroom, btw) She is just laughing and I'm like no seriously you don't get it, I'm about to explode in my leggings, I will more than likely come barreling in there steering wheel in hand I dont think I can release the grip. Get here, she has a friend over who tries to talk to me and as I'm running for the bathroom I manage to mumble as I throw my keys "thats my dog watch him for me." I text Jackie during the eye of the storm when all is calm and it says and I quote " i just gave birth via my ass."

Needless to say, when hung over I am not lady like...sorry and all that shit.

p.s. rob dyrdek if youre reading this, excuse me?

reading

your blogs will always make me cry I think.

But I have to remember, I always have to remember the bad times. I have to remember how horrible things got, remember how things will never ever be the same. I always have to keep my head up, chin out and remember.


I'm all situated, call back at a coffee shop.

the things I want to say I can't on here. So I'll of course keep it bottled up, all smiles.

when pigz go bad

drinking games. seven, do your shit.

sand beard for a sand pig!

the house in st augustine, I have the right side with all the windows.

SAND PIGZ!

picture perfect:)

updateeeeee;

Okay, so I left for Florida Thursday...It's Friday...a week and one day later I am still here.

Countless applications, a place to live in beautiful downtown St. Augustine, two sand pigzzz, and Heather bringing me all my shit from Georgia.

Picture blog coming soon.
I can't really believe I just picked up my shit/someone else got my shit for me...and I am here. Milo with a sand beard is my idea of heaven.

I really don't have much to blog, I miss my family. I miss Callie, Cadence and Elijah.. That's going to be weird to not like be there, but this is an adventure I'm excited about it. Might as well do it while I'm young enough.


Crampz suck.

I don't wanna make the drive back. :(


filled out job applications. house is set.
one of eddies friends showed us around st. augustine today. I love it, seriously love it. my house is near everything.
made friends.



blaaaaaaah blah blah blah.

drinking beer and eating donuts with jackie and sara... most fun.
jackie has been begging me to move in and she'd make me breakfast every morning.
so tempting.

more chocolate donuts. should not blog while drinking :(

okay

cars fixed.

Leaving for the beach tomorrow. lots of beach trips planned.
Going to the salon I applied to and then to look at two different places I can live.

Took a salsa/hip hop work out class today. zoomba. seriously so much fun, brought my mom. Best decision I've made in the last two years was bringing her to pop, lock and drop it ma. Got a bike cushion for the seat at the gym. I definitely am bruised on lower butt area from spin class. fml. I have to sit down so slow. Florida will put a damper on gym class heroes, but I'll get back to it. I've been good about it, I didn't think I would wanna spend an hour in some class designated to kick my ass and laugh about it with other class friends and then suffer through the elliptical and floor equipment the next hour. But it hasn't been much suffering, the next day I want to die a little bit from the soreness, but it's good sore forsure.

Monday when I get home Ben and I have a day just to watch movies and eat pizza flavored chips, since I'm missing his birthday. :( but it'll be fun to just not worry about anything and see his new house.
Eddie and I decided it's too hard being friends, too soon. too hard. too complicated. still too fresh. Us being friends was like pouring salt into open wounds much like listening to James Blunt, a big fuck you is headed your way Mister Blunt. It sucks, it's going to suck. But I know this is probably the most mature thing. When Kelly and I talked on the phone for like over an hour, we talked about all of it..actually we talked about pretty much everything possible. But she gave me pretty sound advice. Speaking of all that, I hate talking on the phone for long periods haha and we managed to talk that long. Needed forsure though, we agreed on a lot of things and people. Milo's snoring is outrageous right now.
I need to go to sleep I have to get up at 7:15 am to go to callies.

must have.

god, I crush so hard on Joel Mchale. would stalk.

I wanna check you for ticks

spin class kicked my ass.
this donk is sore.


just had a terrible phone conversation. fuck crying.
I'm more tan than I am pink, but still a little pink which is annoying.
I'm really loving all the classes at the gym, they put me in a good mood. Tomorrow is like hip hop step type class. jiggle time.
Finally got my new phone. :) need numbers though.

The house I'd live in, in St. Augustine would be the house my mom and I lived in right after I was born. Kind of cool, it's this huge victorian house in downtown with a huge low growing tree in the front yard. I have pictures of me sitting in it when I was really little. Anyway, a huge deck and a garden in the backyard. Just like a neat fucking house. I know I'll be super lonely at first, but I'm a big girl and this is something I've been wanting to do..so suck it up.

And I'm sleepy before twelve. thank you fitness,

eff

you.


same old bogus shit. youre friends were right.

"mountains out of molehills"

that phrase died when my grandmother was buried. stfu

just

applied at a salon in st. augustine.

there or oregon, but I gotta get out.

p.s. WANT

I'm

kind of in a bummed mood, like super bummed.


I'm taking state boards soon, not really worried about those at all. Been doing hair out of the house for extra cash. nbd.

But still feel so fucking backwards. I know I want to be in Florida, I just love Florida ( despite everyone telling me the amount of sketchiness that comes from there will eat me) I can be kind of sketchy, I'll fit in. I'm a complete beach bum and I could live in the sun. But I know no one down there, actually I know like two people. Eddie and Lauren and some of Eddie's friends. But I'm not living in Daytona and the recession is hitting south FL pretty fucking hard, homes and boats are being snatched up. There is about to be no flow there at all. I just want to live at the beach with my dog. period, that's all I want. I may have to settle for the northwestern beach though. What a fucking bummer, like it's pretty and I miss the northwest...but it's so dreary. I don't do well in dreary. But it'll be free, and it really is incredibly progressive there. I could start new, just new city new everything. The shopping is intense there, I'd finally be near my mom and brother. Could be nice, just scary and lonely. Haha, I guess not much difference from here except I'll finally be in a new city. My mom has a bike for me, haha. Everyone's on bike there, no fucking traffic. I don't know I'm just so blah about everything. I'm doing that thing where I sink into the small town scenery. Just being content with podunk. I don't have any major problems that moving would just solve. I just I don't know. I'm just at this point where I don't want to be completely grown and settled ( which I shouldn't anyway) anyway, I want to do whatever I'm about to do while I'm young. Hence moving. I wish I had family in Florida, I mean I kind of do. but eh.

It's funny when someone deletes you off some internet site like three different times, when all three times you became friends with them in the first place was because they asked. bitch, take a nap.

It annoys me when fashion magazines have you aiming to spend a fortune on clothes, which I get I have an addiction when it comes to shopping.....but then they have the hair portion, and they are all talking about box color and some bogus products. Like seriously? I don't know gets under my skin. Speaking of I am a total creep in the hair aisles, and I always make sure there isn't any Aveda diverted product because that is a total crime. Anyway I was on Target online playing Aveda police...what did I find, Smooth Infusions and Pure Abundance. They only had the shampoo and not a lot of them.....which salon went against regulation when they closed and sold it to them??!?!?!?!!!!11 we will catch you!

Listened to an old ass Good Charlotte cd...october reminds me of..................all the seasons of your love. never gets.

I'm in a bad mood. I don't understand the term "play cousins" I think I have a lot. I've become retarded like, I'm about to get upfront and personal with you blogspot.com, I feel like I'm the biggest I've ever been. I know I eat like shit, and I can't fucking stop granted I eat like a meal and a half a day. But that sweet tooth will get me. I get the olga joke now, it's about my fat fucking ass. haha. I have just become obsessed with how disgusting I look. Someone pay for my lazy asses lipo plzzz. Or borrow my saddle bags to ride your fucking horse. Maybe ask my tummy for a tuck? I don't know.

I'm watching Beauty Shop, a smile seriously hasn't left my chubby cheeks. Don't care, love this movie.

This post has taken like four hours I keep leaving the tab up and forgetting about it because I get distracted. So I think it's a novel of a post. FML right?

just wasting my energy.

I

went bowling tonight, Callie and I vs. Matt and Kyle. I was pin dropper, I did quite the opposite. The "get you" is actually "get you some."

I am always just getting my hope up and shot down, in one way or another. I feel like this is a better idea than an actual reality, you know? It's the thought I like more than what I know is actually good for me. Kind of a total let down, and I know with this theory I still will press on until I know, am completely aware that it in fact WAS better thought then reality. I'll go through a mourning period, blah blah blah. same old.

I'm watching this thing on this what seems to be a normal dad that killed his eleven year old son and put him in a trash can. shit, seriously?
My dog is my heart.

Alison's car is fucked so who knows.

p.s. Rob Dyrdek, if youre reading this..be mine?

it's NOT nice guys that finish last.

it's ugly shitbags.


ELIJAAAHS OUT OF THE HOSPITAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
late night scary movies, here we comeee!

Okay so phones

dead...no texting. This is the oddest, worst feeling ever. Oddest because it is NOT normal for one to feel like she may start the shakes because her phone is no longer connected with the world. Worst feeling because, it is not normal for one to be like this without her phone. I need a usb cord feed directly into my veins. creepy, eh?

Okay, so hospital visit...FUUULLL of hilarious stories. I know, right?

Story number one; (sooooooooo insane..lost my shit about this one)
So, Elijah's sister's best friend works as a nurse in the ER at the Macon hospital..(draw one's own conclusions...starting now.) This woman walks in with a heavy ebonic southern accent saying, "somethaaan sproutn' down theyuuh." Repeating this saying until the nurse takes her into a check up room. The woman puts on a gown and spreads em' as instructed.....Turns out this bitches uterus had collapsed two weeks earlier....so what may you ask did she do?!?!?!?1111 She inserted a POTATO!!! A WHAT?!?!?!? a fucking potato, that's right folks...this woman thought her best solution was rooting a spud inside her jbox because her uterus fell out. UHHHHWHAT?!
So when the nurse looks, they is LITERALLY shit sprouting.......all down below. I'm curious for a few obvious reasons.
1. Why is that your first inclination, I get the recession..but GOOOD GOD. Like a potato?? A spud? This starchy crop, up your vajay? Like is there nothing else? Maybe something that doesn't sprout??? Tell me this my Queen of the Spuds, was it a Russet or a Jersey Royal?

2. Uterus fell out, UTERUS FELL THE FUCK OUT. ehhhwhat? you jam it back in and pull out one of the potatos you were just about to use for dinner and also jam that in.

3. Why did you act surprised when things were sprouting? Why did you act as if you were some freak of nature (which I guess you should be considered...) like you stuck a spud inside of you, and run screaming when things are sprouting...UHDUH. Ma'am, this isn't a question of why are there things sprouting..It's a question of WHAT IN THE BLOODY HELL WERE YOU THINKING STICKING A POTATO UP YOUR JBOX?~?!!?!?!?1111/WE.EQIU3UEDHAD

Second funny story; (Also involving Macon's fine residents.)
Apparently this nurse is a freak story magnet...much like myself.
Anyway, so this close to five hundred pound woman comes in with this insane rash all over. Okay so they can't really pinpoint what exactly is wrong, minus the obvious..ahem. They go to kind of like bathe her because when you are that large...hygiene is out the window as you will come to read. They proceed to lift up one of her rolls to find BREAD. Five slices of bread, moldy fucking bread. Are you shitting me? BREAD. The mold had spread and it was like attacking her to say the least..causing that insane rash. Apparently between the folds gets moist and sweaty (LOL) and they use bread to soak it up. I'm going to make a safe assumption with she got distracted, leaving the bread to soak in the filth of the folds. This bitch got bread sores....NOT to be confused with bed sores. Are you joking me? How do you even let it come to that? What do you say when the hospital nurses find bread, moldy bread attached to your body. Excuse me, wonderbread woman, did you live by the motto..no waste..and finish off your loaf?

Euthanizing people should happen. MAKE IT HAPPEN. Send these people to the Appalachian Trail!

Questions:
1. Why are the people of Macon not on a special like the people of the Appalachian Mountains?
2. Speaking of the AM's send bread woman there (along with spud dud) the mountain rats can feed off her instead of poor innocent children. (not really a question, persay.)
3. When people find rolls inside of your rolls, BITCH TAKE A NAP.

I'm just sorry, but Ripleys, Modern Marvels..somebody needs to get down to Macon's hospital ASAP. There is some shit people have got to see.

BTW. Elijah is NOT at Macon's hospital..just fyi. And his blood sugar is balancing, blood cancer is out of the question along with leukemia. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!! Today when I walked in he lit up, he looks like a completely different person. You can just see the improvement. His fever is controlled, finally! We took a walk around, I played gopher and wheeled his IV's around the hospital, haha. One more x-ray, no more fever and he can go home for seven days. He may have to have a blood transfusion once a month that takes about four hours..but that's better than dying, right? So tomorrow night IF he is able to get out we are going to celebrate by doing our favorite thing in the entire world. Last house on the left...we usually freak ourselves out as much as humanly possible and stay up all night completely freaked. haha, awww buster. I of course cried when I saw him, he was like seriously? I thought that was over haha. But I was just so happy! Cheeks hurt from smiling.

Beach in like five days; island trips, fishing, sun, sand. I'm excited..it's needed.
New phone monday, I will be without everyone's number so text me Monday and gimme that shit.

all I gotta say is;

this bitch better put her shit on pause.


"I bet she's easier to get into than a community college."

phones dead. perma hiatus.


WYYLINNN' OUTTT

hospital visits

have become part of everyday life.


stayed up until it was light out again, not even in front of anything. I put Role Models in the dvd player around four just because I couldn't fall asleep. I get this rush of energy around two or three, it usually involves me going through old letters, pictures. anything possible. Re folding all my clothes in my drawers. Such a party girl. If being a spinster is wrong, I don't wanna be right..as of now. Anyway woke up around oneish was supposed to pick up mybrother and sister from school early....turns out they didn't even go to school. tricky kids. I have to shower and get ready so I can leave here by 5ish to spend another night at the hospital. I just want to trade places with him. My eyes are like perma swollen for crying in the car on my way home, everytime...listening to country. FML.

so

in other news, fuck what you heard.

hahaha, in every way possible.

Okay went to a jewelry party tonight ( i know right, RIGHT?!?!?!) I got suckered in..of course. As loud and stupid as I get, you WOULD think I could say no. But no, these kinds of things and the kiosks in the mall where you get some shitty scented lotion that smells kind of like nair and a "free" nail buffer get me everytime. I say "free" because I probably paid close to thirty bucks for that hanus lotion so in fact that buffer was NOT free. Anyway everything going fine, I'm putting away some pizza for reeeeal and drinking mountain dew thinking..life is sweet these busters are about to have to pay up to this stupid woman. Well she is all talking about having a jewelry party saying so and so gets an extra 25 dollars worth of free jewelry...two people say yes. So I feel like a shit head and I'm like nooooo........uhhhhhhh okaaaaayyyy..I guess soooo. WHAAATTT THE HELL. what the hell. This jewelry is grandma status and like seriously?!?!?!


anyway, fuck what you heard. still about all that.

still laughing. it's four am. this my shit.

brrightlywound (1:22:39 AM): no way she looks like a frump a dump

anna hilton (1:22:53 AM): like no wanna hear something, and this is me being totally real with you

brrightlywound (1:22:59 AM): okay

anna hilton (1:23:53 AM): so before i'd actually known you, or seen you.. i noticed you had baby cheeks so i assumed you were a little chubster, but then when i actually saw you and saw how you filled out.. just being a girl.. you know... sizing up other girls, you fill out really well and i dont think youre chubby or fat

anna hilton (1:24:01 AM): and thats me being 100 percent honest with you

brrightlywound (1:24:06 AM): awwwww

brrightlywound (1:24:09 AM): hahah thank you

brrightlywound (1:24:15 AM): but im not filled out well.

brrightlywound (1:24:20 AM): my cheeks give me away forsure

brrightlywound (1:24:22 AM): hahahaha

anna hilton (1:24:35 AM): haha i think you do, no homo

anna hilton (1:24:36 AM): lolz

brrightlywound (1:34:55 AM): hahaha not at all. she looks like a band aid.

brrightlywound (1:35:00 AM): their fat friend that tags along.

brrightlywound (1:35:01 AM): you know?

anna hilton (1:35:04 AM): hhahahaha

anna hilton (1:35:06 AM): YEAH

anna hilton (1:35:07 AM): exactly

brrightlywound (1:35:11 AM): the one that you hang with when you dont have anything else

brrightlywound (1:35:14 AM): and you know shell buy drinks

anna hilton (1:35:16 AM): not one of "the girls'

brrightlywound (1:35:17 AM): and your dinner

anna hilton (1:35:23 AM): haha yeah dude

brrightlywound (1:35:29 AM): hahaha bummer girlfriend

anna hilton (1:35:29 AM): the embarrassing one

brrightlywound (1:35:33 AM): hahahaha yeah

anna hilton (1:35:37 AM): that is in the out crowd

brrightlywound (1:35:40 AM): but she gets guys bc of her kind of status?

brrightlywound (1:35:47 AM): like who she knows.. she must be cool..

brrightlywound (1:35:49 AM): then she isnt

brrightlywound (2:17:59 AM): would

anna hilton (2:18:09 AM): hahahahahhah yes!

anna hilton (2:18:17 AM): bling bling and dem short hair cuts

brrightlywound (2:18:22 AM): hahaha for real

brrightlywound (2:18:26 AM): im about to get my swag on

anna hilton (2:27:03 AM): fuck dragontales dude

brrightlywound (2:30:45 AM): such a cute wig

anna hilton (2:31:12 AM): i would buy him bape hoodies and shit cause i luv it

anna hilton (2:31:15 AM): 8 mile nigga

brrightlywound (2:31:36 AM): hahahaha me too!

brrightlywound (2:31:45 AM): ughhhh

brrightlywound (2:31:47 AM): and hats

brrightlywound (2:31:49 AM): not beanies! only sometimes.

anna hilton (2:31:58 AM): god dammit

anna hilton (2:32:07 AM): what happened to the nike dunk collections n shit

anna hilton (2:32:19 AM): hold on, i gotta post commets 4 u

brrightlywound (2:32:44 AM): hahahahahah k

brrightlywound (2:32:56 AM): i love diamond studs

brrightlywound (2:33:01 AM): mmmmmm

anna hilton (2:33:13 AM): cubic zirconium

anna hilton (2:33:16 AM): ear rings

brrightlywound (2:33:17 AM): now they all look like bike hippies

anna hilton (2:33:17 AM): dayum

anna hilton (2:33:26 AM): IKNOW all of them

anna hilton (2:33:26 AM): fuck

anna hilton (2:33:30 AM): the hippie movement

brrightlywound (2:33:33 AM): flannel. i like flannel. but fuck.

brrightlywound (2:33:36 AM): long hair

brrightlywound (2:33:40 AM): scruff

anna hilton (2:33:44 AM): grunge.. buhh no

brrightlywound (2:33:47 AM): nooooo

brrightlywound (2:33:49 AM): no no no

anna hilton (2:41:26 AM): hey hold on im working on your comment

brrightlywound (2:41:29 AM): haha okay

anna hilton (2:45:13 AM): ok

anna hilton (2:45:17 AM): go look at your comment

brrightlywound (2:48:09 AM): hahahahaha

brrightlywound (2:48:27 AM): i commented you back.

brrightlywound (2:48:34 AM): it really makes me want one

brrightlywound (2:48:37 AM): like im kind of set on it

brrightlywound (2:48:43 AM): its my new stipulation

brrightlywound (2:48:51 AM): must be a wigger or semi wigger esque

brrightlywound (2:49:11 AM): if you dont wear a cap. if we cant share ice.

brrightlywound (2:49:14 AM): then move along

brrightlywound (2:49:23 AM): because i wanna pop lock and drop it

brrightlywound (2:49:31 AM): with a wanna be jamal

anna hilton (2:50:13 AM): hahahahahhhhaha

anna hilton (2:50:17 AM): with a wanna be jamal

brrightlywound (2:50:21 AM): for real

brrightlywound (2:51:09 AM): commented you again

anna hilton (2:51:10 AM): i left you another one, now i'm checkin my comments

brrightlywound (2:51:18 AM): hahahahha k

anna hilton (2:52:06 AM): hahahha dragons would you plz breath your fire elsewhere... i have shit to do. hahahahaa

brrightlywound (2:52:14 AM): hahahahaha

brrightlywound (2:52:30 AM): truth

brrightlywound (2:56:06 AM): OMG HOT WIGGERS

brrightlywound (2:56:10 AM): check comments at the end

anna hilton (2:59:23 AM): read my bulletin

anna hilton (2:59:28 AM): it's of upmost importance

brrightlywound (2:59:39 AM): hahaha k

brrightlywound (3:00:08 AM): a thank you very much

anna hilton (3:00:49 AM): jenn is saying she thinks it's so gross

brrightlywound (3:00:52 AM): hahahahahaha

anna hilton (3:00:53 AM): and i was like

anna hilton (3:00:53 AM): OK

brrightlywound (3:00:55 AM): no!

anna hilton (3:00:56 AM): DATE THE MOUNTAIN MEN

brrightlywound (3:00:59 AM): hahahahha

anna hilton (3:01:22 AM): hhahahahhahaha

brrightlywound (3:01:24 AM): but would

anna hilton (3:01:33 AM): damn that shorty used to holla and i lost my chance

brrightlywound (3:02:14 AM): hahaha i got shit to do

anna hilton (3:02:33 AM): HAHAHA lol

anna hilton (3:02:34 AM): LOL

brrightlywound (3:02:44 AM): did you see the hot wigger pic yet?!?!

brrightlywound (3:02:47 AM): sooo hottt

brrightlywound (3:02:49 AM): ugh

anna hilton (3:03:03 AM): yo he still hangs out at the graveyard. last time i saw him was at scion fest. time before that.. made him buy me a shot and grabbed his butt

anna hilton (3:03:10 AM): NO sorry hold on

brrightlywound (3:03:13 AM): hahahaha k

brrightlywound (3:03:16 AM): approve!

anna hilton (3:03:32 AM): HAHAHAHHHA

anna hilton (3:03:33 AM): OMG

anna hilton (3:03:36 AM): I LAUGHED SO HARD

brrightlywound (3:03:37 AM): SO HOTTTT

anna hilton (3:03:41 AM): at the hippie commment

brrightlywound (3:03:44 AM): hahahaha hahahahhahaa

brrightlywound (3:04:10 AM): where the wigger boys at?

anna hilton (3:04:20 AM): OMG

anna hilton (3:04:24 AM): THAT LAST WIGGER BOI PIC

anna hilton (3:04:25 AM): SO HOT

brrightlywound (3:04:26 AM): i knooooow

brrightlywound (3:04:29 AM): riiiight?

brrightlywound (3:04:39 AM): excites me. imma be scoutin daytona for some a demmm

anna hilton (3:05:11 AM): omg yeah

brrightlywound (3:05:12 AM): i want em bad

anna hilton (3:05:53 AM): like

anna hilton (3:06:02 AM): i think guys should look like frat boy wigger boys

brrightlywound (3:06:13 AM): so right

brrightlywound (3:06:14 AM): sooo right

brrightlywound (3:06:15 AM): and rap

brrightlywound (3:06:19 AM): of course rap

anna hilton (3:06:22 AM): duh dude

brrightlywound (3:06:25 AM): i like em' to all the words

brrightlywound (3:06:30 AM): to know*

anna hilton (3:06:31 AM): gotta be into it while i back my ass up on dem

brrightlywound (3:06:37 AM): haha uh duh

brrightlywound (3:07:53 AM): hahahahahahahaha

brrightlywound (3:07:54 AM): would

anna hilton (3:09:25 AM): shaved head hotties who listen to minor threat

anna hilton (3:09:27 AM): yes please

brrightlywound (3:09:37 AM): gotchya again

brrightlywound (3:09:49 AM): bottom one makes me lol

anna hilton (3:10:35 AM): dude

anna hilton (3:10:40 AM): seriously

brrightlywound (3:10:44 AM): hahaha

anna hilton (3:10:49 AM): dont even get me started on sk8er boiz

brrightlywound (3:10:53 AM): hahahaha

anna hilton (3:10:53 AM): i like sk8er boiz too

anna hilton (3:12:26 AM): hahhaa yes

brrightlywound (3:19:11 AM): haha k

brrightlywound (3:19:49 AM): hahahhaah hubba hubbbaaa

brrightlywound (3:19:52 AM): i just died

brrightlywound (3:19:55 AM): choked from laughing

anna hilton (3:19:59 AM): hahahhaa HUBBA HUBBA

anna hilton (3:20:03 AM): what if i went up to hotties

brrightlywound (3:20:04 AM): so funny

anna hilton (3:20:06 AM): and just said

brrightlywound (3:20:07 AM): hahahahahahahahaha

brrightlywound (3:20:08 AM): no

brrightlywound (3:20:10 AM): no no no

brrightlywound (3:20:10 AM): no

anna hilton (3:20:10 AM): "HUBBA HUBBA"

brrightlywound (3:20:13 AM): hahahahahahahahahaha

brrightlywound (3:20:16 AM): fuuuuuck

brrightlywound (3:20:21 AM): hubba hubba

anna hilton (3:20:28 AM): lol

brrightlywound (3:20:33 AM): bitch said hubba hubba

anna hilton (3:20:38 AM): hahahahhaa

anna hilton (3:20:41 AM): lololol

anna hilton (3:20:43 AM): i'm loling

anna hilton (3:20:51 AM): like a cartoon or some shit

anna hilton (3:20:55 AM): i welcome all hotties

brrightlywound (3:21:01 AM): hahahhahaha im dying

brrightlywound (3:21:02 AM): so funny

brrightlywound (3:21:04 AM): i bulletined

brrightlywound (3:21:13 AM): hotties, please come in

anna hilton (3:21:16 AM): loloololozzzzz hahaha

anna hilton (3:21:28 AM): HAHAHA I JUST SAW YOUR BULLETIN

anna hilton (3:21:30 AM): hahhaha

anna hilton (3:21:32 AM): god stop, fuck

anna hilton (3:21:34 AM): hahaha

brrightlywound (3:21:41 AM): hahahahaha, seriously though. hotties please come in.

brrightlywound (3:22:04 AM): shaved. ear pierced. cap wearin. nike ownin hotties

brrightlywound (3:22:09 AM): please comeee in

anna hilton (3:22:31 AM): hahhaa yeah.. i dunno if yer still sellin yer dunx on ebay, but you need to END THE BIDZ

brrightlywound (3:22:53 AM): hahahaha uh fa real dough. ill shine them shoes for you1

brrightlywound (3:23:06 AM): lilbit a shoe shinin, aint nothaaang

anna hilton (3:23:14 AM): make a bitch wunna get on her kneez and spit shine

brrightlywound (3:23:26 AM): hahahaha, pull my hair while i shine yo dunks

anna hilton (3:23:35 AM): fuq hahahahha

brrightlywound (3:23:48 AM): lolzzz

anna hilton (3:24:10 AM): hahah oh wait i forgot that i just said hubba hubba

anna hilton (3:24:14 AM): still loling

brrightlywound (3:24:20 AM): hahahahah yes. hubba hubbaing

brrightlywound (3:24:31 AM): did you get that other hippie comment?

anna hilton (3:24:45 AM): hahaha god this makes me wanna go out and see hotties just so i can say "hubba hubba"

anna hilton (3:24:49 AM): hold on lemme check

brrightlywound (3:24:57 AM): hahahhaa yes. drunk. hubba hubbaing

brrightlywound (3:25:01 AM): itll happen

brrightlywound (3:25:06 AM): imabout to change my about me

brrightlywound (3:25:08 AM): real quick

brrightlywound (3:25:10 AM): hubba hubba

brrightlywound (3:25:12 AM): hahahahaha

anna hilton (3:25:21 AM): lololololol s0 funny

brrightlywound (3:25:24 AM): so funny i want it everywhere

brrightlywound (3:25:41 AM): i keep lurkin your page re reading our comments

brrightlywound (3:25:45 AM): ip address alert