you

didnt know it but the entire time we talked.

i was crying.

i know i need better.

thank god someone listens to me and doesnt think im insane.


it feels good to cry, fuck what you heard.

123

i hate me.

theres no one else who i know how to be.

456, your body makes me sick.

but dont take it away from me just yet.


i take back most of everything i say, a day or two after i say it.

eh. whatever.
i am a war of head vs heart, its always this way.

my heads always weak and my heart always speaks.

shit in one hand, wish in the other.
see which one fills up faster.

over

it.



haha god so over it.

thank god i have been making other plans that do not involve you.
timing it is all about timing.

FILLER!

nothing to offer.

not a fucking thing.

i talk about remembering.

i'm thinking of like a quarter sleeve. haha.

and i want this to be it.
i have so many ideas its just a matter of putting them into play.

i continously put one song on repeat.



got my hair done today. thank god.
milo will probably need surgery, which of course i will have to pay for.. just like everything else.

i have nine dollars in my account and one month of school to accomplish before i get more loan money.

i hate my life.
gotta get a job.
-
running out time.
out of heart.
out of money.
out of options.
out of energy.
out of love.
out of comfort.


out of step.
-
i know this isnt right, but i keep trying.
i know this will end up in disaster but i keep hoping.
keep believing.
keep wishing and waiting.

whats that saying? a square peg into a circle? i dont remember.

it doesnt feel right so it probably isnt.
but i cant stop myself.
-

its been a year to date.

speaking of a year, the end of this month marks a year ive been out of my parents house.

please everyone take a look at where ive ended up.

i'm

very familiar with the word sorry.

feeling regret, compunction, sympathy, pity
regrettable or deplorable; unfortunate; tragic
sorrowful, grieved, or sad
wretched, poor, useless, or pitiful:

Synonyms: afflicted, apologetic, bad, cheap, cheesy, contemptible, contrite, disappointed, disgraceful, dismal, gloomy, grievous, mean, miserable, mournful, paltry, pathetic, penitent, pitiful, poor, regret, regretful, remorseful, repentant, sad, saddened, shabby, shoddy, unhappy, worthless, wretched

apology; doesnt make everything all better after being overly used.

you however are not.

SUCK IT UP AND DEAL WITH IT, eh?

i

know your secret.




i know.

how long i'll keep quiet, I have still not determined that.

suck it up and deal with it.

eh?

im making plans. plans. plans. plans.

stop calling.
texting.
serenading me in a voicemail.

its neverrrr going to work.

i was wrong, you arent back.

and youre never coming back. completely different person.

things change for the better, or something like that.
i don't know what else to say.

todays been weird, my intuition tricked me.
or did it?
And I could have blamed it so easily on everything else. You, me, the insight, the out looks, the words we spilled at each others feet. I don't know you, I never will know you. And that's the hand you have above all the others.

I have the physical, that's never quite left my grasp.
The emotional, I have the top layers. The attention I need for the responses I crave. I'm not stupid, see. This little girl, as much as I am her, I have the mind of the elders watching me grow. It's more of tactics. Watch it, not live it.

W A T C H I T


I feel like a little kid blow up pool. I'm either empty, placed at the side of the house where no one can see. Or I'm full and the center of attention.

I'm recycling words here. Better words then people.

i know im just here for shits and giggles and none of this really even matters.

sink or swim

sink or swim.
sink or swim.
sink or swim.
sink or swim.
sink or swim.
sink or swim.




when it comes time for me to be back out on my own i seriously can not think about it.
just to care for myself?
to sleep alone?
to not wake up next to someone?
no mindless pet peeves?
no little notes lying around?
no moshing around?
no just cuddling in bed?
no one to wake up with a bad dream?
no one to check under the bed?
no one to count on, cry to, laugh with day in day out.

its going to be weird, but we all have to grow up at some point.

others faster than others.
weird weird weird.

sink or swim.
sink or swim.
sink or swim.
tilly and the wall somehow makes me feel slightly better.

This boy I know, he has a heart of glass
It is gold inside but it has crystalized
It is beautiful, but in it's tragedy
It is hard to hold without shattering

He calls himself out nightly, softly over chords
Keeps coming back to it, his voice and echoed chorus
Till the sound's so thick it turns the sky to smoke
And of greyest days the predictions told

But this boy I know, he is pure of soul
He just gets lost sometimes in his chemicals
Under a coat of night, it's all so comforting
And that first breaking light becomes his enemy

He calls so late tonight it is four am
He is drunk and can't find his apartment
I don't like how if feels when I think of him
All hooded in black lost and stumbling

The days start to fade out of the frame
Like they're blurring into someones else's name
You try your hardest to rewind the tapes
But you're prepared everyday to make same mistakes

Step out of that life, it's nowhere near your time
Just remember you called it all bullshit
Well it is and if you stop giving into it
You can walk away, the freest man

This boy I know lives in a bell jar
It is balancing up on its pedestal
He tries not to upset the weight of conscience
Afraid it's so far to fall if no one catches him

But, I've been there too, and I swear to god
If I can help you please, you've got to tell me how
I know you've been away and it can break you down
And I don't want you gone

All the cracks you you see can be repaired
And if you start to fall, we will be there
Don't drown yourself in all your old regret
Because that heaviness will steal away your breath

Step out of that life, it's nowhere near your time
And don't forget that you called it all bullshit
It still is and if you stop giving into it
You will walk away, the freest man

Shake your head
Loosen your grip
Raise up your fist
You are the freest man
Open your mouth
Scream it out loud
Forget all the doubt


so this song makes me cry. makes me think of you.
makes me think of what you could have been,
should have been, would have been.
if i had stuck by you, but ben harper put it best;
id rather fall myself than let you drag me on down.
which is what was happening.
im stuck in this cycle of wanting to rekindle old
relationships, not romantically even though thats
the only way they had ever been.
friends never worked for us.

there was always something, somewhere somehow.
rethinking makes me realize, you arent the freest man.
you never will be.
you are a slave.
a fucking slave.

You are not the freest man.
youll never shaken up or loose your grip.
never.
you'll always sink. and i dont want to sink to
the bottom with you.
ever again.
it still cant help but to make me sad to think about
all the summers we spent.
all the letters we wrote. you'll never get it.
and im so glad i finally did.

im uneasy about every decision ive ever made
that has led me to this point.
id really just like to breeze through school.
and fuck being grammatically correct, FYI.
tilly and the wall will be here soon.

thankyou rem.

i've been lost inside my head
Echoes fall off me
I took the prize last night for complicated mess
Persuading things I didn't mean and don't believe

Believe in me
Believe in nothing
Corner me
And make me something
I've become the hollow man, нave
I become the hollow man I see?

Oh, I see this echoeing
You have placed your trust in me
I went upside down
I emptied out the room in
Thirty seconds flat
I can't believe you held your ground

Believe in me
Believe in nothing
Corner me
And make me something
I've become the hollow man, have
I become the hollow man I see

I'm overwhelmed
I'm on repeat
I'm emptied out
I'm incomplete
You trusted me
I want to show you
I don't want to be the hollow man

Believe in me
Believe in nothing
Corner me
And make me something
I've become the hollow man, have
I become the hollow man I see






I see 

i just want to i dont know.

i am hormonal and unstable as of today, all day my nerves have been on end.
dunno why, but i just kind of need out i think.

i miss my old apartment, 699 ponce de leon avenue. i wanna go back.
i would seriously sell my soul to be back there in my own room again.
on my fucking own again.

to young or to old.
nothing seems to slow down.

i just want to go back, back before everything became so entwined.
im not even sure i have a thought process sometimes.
what was i ever thinking through anything.
all i can do is laugh, a kind of mocking laugh..directed only at myself.

i wish my charger to my laptop wasnt broken so i could at least have that to wrap my nostalgic heart around.
hormonal.
goddamn.

this is the sound of settling, i am so glad that i stalked your new number down. you always had a place in my heart, along with that song. i had an entire blog only you could and would read i told you everything.

i need that again, i need that old friend in you. everytime i listen to the sound of settling all i remember is riding in your explorer with the heat on full blast to keep from shivering, singing that song. you were a close friend, hope your back.

seeing red couldnt be more true.

you dont always have to keep your head higher than your heart.

well said.
school isnt as bad as i think, i know that.
i am totally content with foils all day.
i love color.
it keeps me moving and thinking.
which is what i need.

i dont quite know what to say or where to start.
aside from my repetitious dreaming, needs to come to an abrupt halt.
the same scenario over and over, night after night.
i wake up uneasy, and slightly crazy.

you were everything i should have hated, but for some reason my mind went blank and i stuck it out for a little while. i thought our knitted friendships were solid and real, now looking back knowing everything i know.

i hope the three of you burn. die. something. whats horrible is im trying not to be heartless, clearly i am not owning it. for awhile i was made out to be some liar, now everyone knows. its a year later but everyone knows. i'm okay with taking the heat as long as i did, i expect it from pieces of shit.

nothing, it was all a bunch of nothing. i went down the wrong road for a little while, and i can safely say its never going to be traveled again.
i have to much heart now, not enough naivety.
still young, just not as gullible.
still giving out chances to people but i am no longer the i fix ugly houses slogan.
this is from may 12th;
i just found my way back into this circle.


i want out, do you hear me? out.

i can't read enough.
i can't write enough.

I am getting claustrophobic down here, I need to be up in the air, I need a plane.

and I would like one now, I have to get up in the air. I need to fly.
I need a lay over in a city i don't know my way around.

god damn it.
i just need to be safely secure in an airplane, i would give my right leg for a ticket to anywhere.


stressin. stressin. stressin.

i would like to be on the show survivor.
and if the show never ends, i would be okay with it.
what i would give, to be back at home working in hallmark eating subway everyday with callie.

april 29th;

theres

a place in my head and a place in my heart.

the two seem to think they arent miles apart, but thinking and my instinct have become one. my intuition is no longer magic and i fear i am losing the battle i have fought my entire life to win.

i am not the girl i was. Yeah so what. I have this spot for you, solely because I don’t know what’s better for me. It will always be like this, I will never have what I know is what I need. Its in my genes, my mother fucked up. I'm sure my grandmother did the same. Like mother like daughter, in every instance. The familiar feeling of liver failure has become a constant thought racing through my entire my body, a craving. I can't decide if the radio talk shows are correct in their brainless humor. Do people change? Does the beginning set the tone for the climax and then the curtain call? Or can each part be different. Can we overcome? Or is this all we are? This can not be all I am, all we are. I have worked to hard on keeping people out, to let the people I keep in shit on me. I will close everyone out, and by everyone I mean specifically you.

You know what they, if you don't have anything nice to say, sit by me. FUCK THAT and fuck what you heard. I'm done, I'm going back but with that backwards tiptoeing I keep a closed heart and a closed mind. In the end its only me to whom I have to answer to.
not YOU not YOU not YOU.

one two three.
fall in line, you mindless fucking zombies. sheep. I am no sheep and I have no shepherd.
It's just me. Looking for me in anything or anyone else.

i talk about remembering like its all i have left.

is it?
------
milo's tear duct has popped out, he has gotten all his vaccinations, but this just happens to certain breeds. if this ointment doesnt work, a five hundred dollar surgery.

oh, sometimes i know god hates me.

cheers darlin.

catching up

it has been a relatively long time since i even thought about blogging on this thing, i take that back... i have thought about it but coming as close as typing hasnt taken place.


lots of things have changed. are changing. will change.
its not july.

i am out of the city, sinking back into the small town scenery.
school is a forty five minute drive tuesday through saturday.

it usually makes me want to slam my head the the windshield, but i am surviving.

i can never upload facebook photos into an album because it takes an entire seven days.
this is probably going to turn into useless garbage or an encrypted message.

the only things i seem to be doing right.
i finally have the boston terrier i have always dreamt of, no other dogs for me...unless someone else wants to get me a weimer reiner. i like those too.

im trying to let my nails breathe. its killing me.

its ironic how things play out and how other things cease to exist.

you dont leave enough distaste in my mouth for me to blink, keep talking shit and kissing my ass little one.
its horrible to think i stuck up for someone while their entire circle of friends said "you'll see, you wont like how she is."

god they were right. urrr dumb, hows that? i have nothing else to say about you.

i dont believe in a burnt bridge but the lies that come fumbling out of your mouth are astonishing, and leave me no choice but to light it.

anyway i miss callie more than i can imagine right now, i hate that im not there.
i love my dogs, throughout our entire beach trip i was thinking about them. in the car rides thinking about it made me so sad.. pathetic of me.

zero care.

maybe ill keep this up.