has been-that never was-or will be

Fuck wrong with you, I am the don da da, show you how to do it, like I'm ya mu-mudda, you can't beat me so don't duh da da da, soft like butta, and NO I don't stutta.

I'm feeling testy, I wish you would.

They say your middle name is Trouble...

Acid House Kings are on a steady rotation lately, it's four AM.
Josh, Jon and Josie just left. I have good friends to keep me company.

Thinking over the choices I know I could or should or would make and it just ends in frustration, always. I get so caught up in what I think I should be doing, I don't think about what I actually want. What will make me happy, even if it's fleeting. Then I think about how maybe in the scheme of things it is better to let things fade out, which happens and then it seeps back into my brain, unlocking familiar doors, down the same path it's taken time and time again.

Familiarity, is that what things boil down to? Part of me thinks yes, but the other thinks there is nothing familiar about this...same scenarios, different years. I wish I was still eighteen. I feel so jumbled and discontent, I hate that feeling, how it creeps up on me when I am my happiest. Fuck you.

Today some song was playing and Eddie said, " this is going to play at our wedding."

I'm 21 right? I'm still young, so why do I feel so goddamn old. Maybe everything I want boils down to me trying to act out my adolescence. Today I had a long talk with Jean it ended in turning my world upside down, shaking everything up I've grown so comfortable in. As much as I think I need that, I feel like I more so need what I have. I'm twenty-one, I'm twenty-one, I'm twenty-one. Right?....right.... oh. okay. Trust my gut?
Going to look at my Portland trip pictures until I fall alseep.

"This is where it stops
This is the end
Once a rising star
Now decent
Going back to nothing"

my favorite part

I am so happy, so in love.

go lucky

With each passing hour my anticipation is building up, up to the point where sleeping in my clothes has crossed my mind. I feel like I'm starting middle school, first day butterflies. I am so thrilled this day has finally decided to come around.

It seems like with each Friday night I get increasingly older, less wanting to go to the local watering hole with friends and more wanting to snuggle into my bed with a book or netflix. I know with the colder months this hermit like behavior will flourish. I think it is just what I was destined for, exceeding my age in habits. Habits I formed long before I should have. I am so content being alone, dogs included. I don't need the constant noise of people droning on and on about something I probably give two shits about, and I certainly don't need the sheer belligerence I seem to bring upon myself, no matter the day or the time I start drinking. Fuck limits, right?

I haven't even seen Eddie once today, he was up and at work before I had even thought about opening up my eyes. I do remember the kiss on the cheek and 'i love you' I'm sure I mumbled something back, who knows what. I received the token 'sleepy baby' text. Then I was at work until five, which is when he went back in. No matter, starting tomorrow we are on our best vacation yet. This is the first time he is meeting my mom, not my step mom, my mom.
These two women are world's apart. My mother is simple, non-materialistic and honest. It's so bizarre the differences between these two women my dad chose. Or they chose him, I'm not completely sure. My mom listens to Glenn Miller and Fleetwood Mac, while my step mother listens to whatever is on the radio. Not citing the fact that my mother is a highly educated physician who takes no ones shit and smokes a lot of weed on her off weeks. I have my mother's IQ and my dad's heart.
http://www.elle.com/Beauty/Health-Fitness/Unbreak-My-Heart-Dealing-With-the-Death-of-a-Parent

This article had me crying in the salon chair today, silent streaming tears. It makes me wish I was a block away from my mother, as opposed to a 5 sometimes 6 hour plane ride. Life, which direction am I headed? And will I be making this trip alone? If I do decide to leave this city and venture back to the North West, I am more than capable of going it alone...I've already told Eddie he shouldn't feel like he has to move too. But he says if it's what I'd want, then he does as well. We shall see.
I'm feeling slightly pent up, maybe it's because my air is off and it's storming and I keep putting off finishing to pack my carry on, it may be because my siblings are on their way here and I am just too excited. Or maybe it's that in less than a day I will be home.
Either way, it's time to unwind.... fin

reading material for the plane

I got a hopscotch tear drop ready to drop...

Ahhhhh, pictures...

Went to Canton for Baby Josiah's birfday, good food and even better people. He gave himself the ultimate present by winning & splitting ten grand, good god.

Came back home to this, eh.

Portland in....two days. I still can't believe it's already time to step on the airplane, home again.
My Name is Earl is constantly streaming, season three wadup. Yesterday I came home from work to the cleanest house, well almost... The coffee table completely uncluttered, floors swept and mopped. So perfect, he knew coming back from vacation from a disaster zone would stress me out. This post is probably going to be a tremendous amount of useless catch up, I hate when I feel like I haven't been staying on top of this so I just ramble on and on about almost everything that doesn't matter at all...but still seems to make up my day to day. Got rid of any trace of any blonde on this head today, back to being a warm dark brown. Yum. Bang trim, and 300 dollar weave on Friday, see you soon long haaair.

Eddie takes pictures, sometimes.

Tigers Jaw on Friday night, could not have enjoyed this band more...Spirit Design on rotation, always.

As much as I loved my little book nook, I had to give up my book shelf for all my supplies. Sooo, it looks like all the shelf space I have in my room has come in handy, and I kind of like it..gives me some more motivation to fill up all my shelf space. I still have odd spots I keep certain books but for now, so far so good.

Always, always, always Mister Shel.

god bless the child that's got his own...

I have a slew of pictures on my camera to stuff into this blog, buuuut I'm in bed...and Ben is nuzzled in his spot and Eddie and Milo are seepin. Thus I am just going to wait for the onslaught of pictures...
Currently watching Desperate Housewives, which I love...unfortunately.
This week has been the week from hell, in almost every way possible. My Xterra has been on it's way out for quite sometime, it's in the shop til further notice...fuck transmissions. Eddie's Camry decided to take a giant dump on us, alternator style. So tomorrow it is pull apart for us and a day of hanging under a hood. Last night the scooter broke a belt while we were on Memorial. Seriously? Like really? Walking the scooter home almost three miles was a bonding experience. It seems like when things are really tough for us when we sift through everything we are that much closer. Tonight we were so happy, the Tigers Jaw show was so so so good. Lots of pictures and lots of friends.

Portland in, what? Five days. Beyond ready, a vacation...just what we need. Maybe I can get him to try crab. I can not waaait, I hope we are both so in love with it we just want to stay. Long Beach WA for two days, the North West is a completely different world. A world I am welcoming with open arms and a smiling face. I wish we could take the piggies, I know they will be beyond excited to stay at my parents, free roamin all day.

I will never get used to him rolling closer in his sleep to tell me he loves me, always always always.

Pictures tomorrow, seeepy.