good good things

about you. not about me, really, not about me at all.

With each day that plays itself out I am becoming more and more aware of how much I do want to live in Portland, by this time next year. We keep talking about it, how refreshing it will be to not know a soul our age and to just live somewhere completely new ( for the most part.) It's weird, everything fitting together but sometimes there's that piece missing. There will always be those what ifs and could have beens, the "I was really young when I settled downs." But I have to steer from that way of thinking. There's that side that says, "youre twenty one, you've only had two serious boyfriends, whom you have both lived with and the only people you have ever slept with....live a little." But I feel like I am living, and that if I was to let something as amazing as what I do have go just to "act my age" I feel like I would end up regretting that 'what if' the most. Watching Ben snuggle into whatever clothes I have lying on the floor, hearing I love you and knowing he means it no less than ten times a day, loving someone with all my heart and it being reciprocated, staying the night out just to wake up to I miss you and I love you calls, having someone who puts up with my mess and makes me breakfast and packs my lunches. Now that I've had a taste of the good life and how my future will be, I could not live with the 'what if' that would be us if I listened to that small spot in my brain. Maybe it's because we've been talking about marriage a lot lately and what we want to do and how we want to do it, which isn't all that scary, it's kind of exciting and comforting. I don't hate stability, I think it's just a very foreign thing in my life and I am growing more and more accustomed to it.

I am currently watching Ben and Milo suck on the same blanket that they have been dragging around this house for days, they are sharing a girlfriend and they take turns getting their fuck on. I'm ready for these two days off, even if this week seemed to fly right by me. During my work weeks I really don't feel like doing anything aside from curling up in bed with my dogs and reading. I work with some of the most talented and amazing people I've ever had the pleasure of meeting. Hanging out with them is probably more fun than hanging out with anyone my own age, (alison excluded) today at lunch, Robbin and Jill were discussing how they can't believe I'm twenty one and that I must just be an old soul, I'm okay with that. I've always been this way and I more than likely always will be. I think things through, I don't act out of spite, I handle my aggression in a calm manner, and I'm not some half wit. I do drink occasionally, not enough. I'll smoke weed rarely, but I'm not in high school anymore. I have shit to do, and I don't feel like mumbling around the script from Dazed and Confused while I look for a lighter or "the weed i must have lost" I grew up fast, in almost every way...maybe I just zoomed straight into my mid thirties? Obviously I am female and I do have those days where I just feel like being a fucking brat. I am allowed. Odd Blood on repeat.

I've been sleeping so strange at night

I can eat a pint of Moose Tracks in about three minutes flat. I don't know whether to be proud of myself or disgusted. I'll go with proud, it tastes better.
Been thinking a lot lately, about how in tune we are..even if things take place at seperate times. It really only makes sense to say we are twins on some alternate plane. I wonder if we will die around the same time. I can see it happening.
Watching Milo and Ben burrow under the covers has to be one of my favorite things that happens through out the day. So sweet. "BEN WILL ALWAYS BE MY DOG!" Still cracks my shit up. YEAH OKAY CRAZY.

Okay I legit just finished the pint I just fucking cracked into. I hate myself. How did I do that?
It's always freezing in my house, below freezing actually. I can not wait to not have roommates. I am looking forward to moving to Portland, I think I'm pretty set on it for sometime next year. It will be nice to be in a city I'm familiar with but I can get to know even better. It'll be nice to be near my mom for the first time in eight years, wow..I can not believe it's been that long. Insane. It'll just be nice I think, to not know anyone, meet new people and just regroup. Depending on if I want to start a career there or not, but I know I can see testing the cold NorthWest waters for at least a year. Ahhh, the beaches of the north pacific, a hoodie over your suit in the summer will always be my favorite. Anticipation.

You knew me at my best, now I can't even stand on my own. I do love those lyrics but they could not be farther from the truth. I got better, I got stronger, and I know I can be alone. That is the only solid thing I take from my previous relationshit. Kelly and I were talking about how little my ex and I talk. When we see each other it's like we never lived together for over a year. I don't necessarily hate it. We started talking about my now relationship. I honestly sometimes don't count anything before this, because those "loves" were completely different and in the end, love wasn't the feeling I felt after all was said and done. There is a complete difference. Eddie and I don't terrorize each other, we don't fight constantly, we don't do things out of spite and we always end anything with "i love you, the most." " all my heart." Always, we fall asleep smiling and we don't need to spend every single minute with each other, we have our own hobbies and friends. Obviously there are things I can work on, because I suck. But for the most part we always have it good, and I can always say it will never be a "sometimes" with us. Even when it's not good, it is so good. He would never do anything to intentionally hurt me, he doesn't work like that. He isn't sneaky and he doesn't lie. I feel like that kind of love sets apart the real from the bullshit. I don't miss my exboyfriend and I don't care that we don't speak because our relationship was a harmful one. If it starts and ends harmful, the friendship won't be amazing or solid. I know he can say the same about his, probably worse actually because unlike mine, his tried to meddle in our now relationship. So I think the good ones end up with the good ones and so on and so forth. Sometimes that a good apple will get the worm, but I think maybe just maybe sometimes that balances, if the worm doesn't eat her way through...to what she may think is a good apple, but really it's rather rotten.
I know you know.

I feel a migraine near, maybe it's all the death in the air. Stirring around as restless as I sometimes find myself. Looming.

symetry

I haven't updated-updated in a while. I guess it's finally a day where I literally have nothing to fill my time with aside from snuggling deeper into my comforter with my dogs that I think about reflecting on whatever it is that's going on. My newest books I'm in the middle of are stuck in the car, which is not here...I refuse to pay for cable because I could care less about what's on tv...so this computer screen is calling my name. I think it's usually the week after I come back from a mini vacation that I realize how little there is to do here. It makes me miss living in Florida and it makes me yearn for Portland. I adore (haha) my job, I really do love it. It's really the only reason I see myself staying in this city. I'm ready to move somewhere else while I'm still young enough to make an excuse for doing so. Maybe it's because complacency is something my head and heart have never been brought up on. Living somewhere for longer than three years is technically unheard of. I think growing up the way I did is a lot of the reason I get so restless being in one place for too long, thanks mom. I've been perusing medium hairstyles and thinking long and hard about cutting my hair, this is the longest it's been since 2007...good lord. And it's not even technically long. I know I'll regret it though. 200 hundred dollars for extensions....I just swim too damn much in the summer to think about that.
Do you ever feel like the only time you really know yourself is when youre unmistakably miserable? I feel like when I am my loneliest is when I know myself the best...I don't want to be miserable or lonely, it's just weird to think about how inside of my head I used to be. I don't necessarily think it was a bad thing, I just had a lot of time to think and to worry about myself and my needs and to think and think and think and think. I kind of miss thinking, if you know what I mean. Eddie and I have talked about moving out to Portland for a year at some point before we settle down...because we've talked about that too. Settling down, getting married, having offspring. How bizarre, how bizarre. I'm not really all that typical, I don't want a wedding or a big dress or bridesmaids...I want a little courthouse cemetery, wait..why did I type cemetery instead of ceremony... or a Vegas wedding and then a huge reception/party with lots of IBC and alcohol. I don't want to have kids until I'm 26. Plans are tricky, I don't much like them because they don't always go accordingly...but we made some and we will see how they work out. I was up late the other night watching Scrubs, the episode had me thinking really hard.