swallowing fireflies.

"That's the whole trouble. You can't ever find a place that's nice and peaceful, that's because there isn't any. You may think there is, but once you get there, when you're not looking, somebody will sneak up and write "fuck you" right under your nose."
J.D. Salinger.

"Perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything, it is because we are dangerously close to wanting nothing."
Sylvia Plath

"Need is not quite belief."

"Live or die but don't poison everything."
Anne Sexton

"It's funny all you have to do is say something nobody understands and they'll do practically anything you want them to."
"I'm sick of just liking people, I wish to god I could meet someone I could respect."

j.d. salinger.

I have a book i've kept starting since middle school when I was actually interested in becoming a journalist, anyway the book is full of quotes. Quotes that mean something to me maybe at the time or from the past. My mother has a book just like it, but of course with completely different quotes. They may not even be considered quotes but little fragments that caught me. I re read that book, these... these are the ones that mean something to me right now at this very moment.

This past weekend every morning I woke up with what felt like a hangover without one sip to drink. This morning I woke up and felt a little bit better, but I still can't shake writing a big fuck you right under your god damn nose.

what, what makes me people go insane?

what's that straw that broke the camels back?

I am at a loss for words, for even just one word.
At a loss.

What makes people tick? Tick to the clock that seems to be making them undone?

ruin your life in one night? or two, or three?

What goes through your head, what makes you sleep at night? Does it help you sleep at night with the one justification of all your actions, a broken heart? Did it mend your aching pain? Becoming a fucktool, did that fix everything? Betraying the people you hold close to just feel wanted? You never held them close, don't kid yourself. You never loved them, you never thought twice. But maybe it's the good old saying to each his own? My own is nothing fucking like yours, so don't ever let the words "we are a lot alike" come out of your fucking head again. Because we are nothing alike, not even fucking close. No where near my level, no where near. I guess it could be different if I hadn't asked you upfront that time we were trying to repair the bridge. Not much different, but at least you would have some decency. I guess it could have been different if you hadn't been fucking around in every relationship since then. I mean, you feel so bad but you just keep on. keep. keep on. That bridge is fucking burnt and buried. Just to make it clear "our" temperament is alike. You couldn't be more off. It will shock you how much this never happened. how much you never happened. A long time ago when all the implications first came into play, you made me out to be this overly jealous or paranoid person..just like my thoughts were ridiculous. They weren't they were accurate, my ability at reading people is astonishing. This time it just took a little longer to all play out. You're ability to say the things you do about people and be guilty of the very same things is almost amazing, who in the fuck do you think you are? Or do you even have the slightest idea?

You're right I may have the ability to turn something innocent into something grotesque, but there is nothing innocent about you. Not a damn thing, you were a fuck up at age seventeen.. enjoy. I'm sure there is more where that came from. I don't owe you anything, please help you clear your conscience not on my time, I'll leave that for the next thing you fuck up.

ill blood, ill fucking blood.

the song werewolf is on repeat.


thank you cocorosie, you weird mother fuckers.

shane IMed me today, I haven't heard from him in over a year.


He lives up here now, invited me over.
probably isn't the best idea, but I'd like to go.

maybe when they get back from Henry's old azzzzz.

I don't know what to feel about things, all i know is this song I can't get out of my head.

over and over and over.
mad men, new love.

it will shock you how much this never happened.

this is stupid.


all of this is so fucking stupid.


i wanna have my wicked way with you.


would, no questions asked. no further conversation. just know, would.





"youre no different than someone i call one of my best friends.

and i'm no different than someone you call your best friend.

so i guess if he can do it, i can too."


what the fuck do we do know?

letterjosh (10:50:33 PM): i just wanted to make sure you knew i missed you still


I'm sorry and I really, I just don't know what to say.

I don't know what to say.

Speechless, doesn't happen often.

saying that but meaning this, will always be my demise.

I feel like such scum right now I just want to go to sleep and try not to cry.

so

i have decided to go to college.


work in a salon but get my degree probably in business at the same time.

eventually be able to operate my own salon.

make myself more appealing in this god forsaken economy.

so speaking of my old livejournal entries, I need to get back to being grammatical.

hahahahahaha, fuck me.

did you know dental hygienists make like forty five dollars an hour in atlanta? I used to want to be ooone so bad. haha, maybe two days a week do that the other 5 do hair.

eh? i'm young, i have the world at my finger tips.

i like this new mentality.
and i like aim talks.

i do not like having to pee and being to lazy to get up to do so.


bitch im da boooomb.

old news

old private livejournals;

from ages ago. thought they were lol worthy.

its silly how now your best friend wants me

And that one bath we took. In your daddy's tub with the bubbles that
didn't work like at all. They all just disinigrated into nothing but
a cloudy water textured with nothing but the dirt off my feet and the
hair products you insisted on using. And I was snuck in that night,
this was previous to the closet party. And we sat naked looking at
each other talking, about what, I don't remember.

I don't remember
much when it comes to you. I was so much younger then I even am now,
and at the time I took you serious. Now, thinking about it, I have
nothing when it comes from you. I remember the phone calls that would
last all night. The jokes about tummy stix and the non cable tv
background music of Will and Grace. I remember my hair
was blondish then, and you would have your mom pay to get yours done.
I remember actually thinking of you as my boyfriend.


Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahhah.

I remember being really
dumb then. But you were the only one who knew about all my secrets.
And my wishes and fears. I don't know why I ever told you as much as
I did. I guess you were like a love lesson program or something. And
I never quite grasped how people could be together and then never
even bother with each other. As if they never existed. Sometimes, most
the time, you don't exist. It's only when the smallest things somehow
travel through my mind and bring me back to you. Recently, it's all
this stem cell research. And how the first day you touched me, and we
tainted your friends bed before he ever even came close to it. How I
felt disgusting, but the conversations were worth it. This is such an
odd memory and ramble. My sobriety is really taking it's toll on me.
I suppose, I suppose I remember you. And I suppose I wonder if you
ever remember me?

space waste

And it's funny returning to these tracks of how I memorized how many
letters fit on each line of this notebook. And how I could go for so
long counting the lines I take up with the words that mean nothing.
And how I'll think over all the people I've written about and who was
real or not.

And B A M, back to Y O U.
Relapse, relapse, relapse,
and we were off to a good start. I thought just maybe we could
be........friends? But of course, thank the liver killer to ruin your
emotions for a night. And then you'll return to your black hole of
our talking, and it goes back.

But I'm not stressing this time, I really realized for once I didn't do anything. You know? I was scotch free and didn't even lie to get my way there.
See you around bud.

Seeee youuuu aaarrrooooouuuund.

I left my body behind

You talk about remembering as if it's all you have left.
I can't remember when it comes to you, all it brings me is distress.
And that television screen that you oh so utterly try to hold the reflections of our memories in, I hope it falls and breaks next time you're looking at yourself playing the guitar and screaming lyrics about this girl with blonde hair and eyes that change colors.

Remember, how you've wanted me forever? This fragile frame with an alcohol level that could kill a man. All of this, the reason you wanted me. The novelty item.

Those songs you insist to keep singing, the compact disks only I have broken, your ipod that got stolen with all the remainders of my screaming voice in the passenger seat of your car. This voice is cracked, these lungs don't work, this throat is too raw from the ends of tooth brushes to even think about singing the songs that once reminded me of you.

You, you, you, you, you, you.
You were a giant among the other boys.
With legs I couldn't take my eyes off whether next to me or across my room.
Your hands always throwing up the hang loose symbol with some stupid expression on your face. The face I kissed over and over. The face that went from a secret to a accomplishment. That face.

The one that couldn't handle just looking at mine. Let's get this straight, I wasn't some bitter girl who thought everyone wanted to fuck you. I was a girl who opened her eyes and realized you wanted to fuck everyone else. I wasn't enough, I'll never be enough for you. You sucked the life out of me emotionally and this is all I get? Some shitty love songs with a handful of apologies. I don't need you you see. I wanted you. I completely and utterly wanted you. Wanted, past tense. The other girls can have you now, the ones you kept hidden away, thinking you could out smart me. You, out smart me? What a joke.


My hands were on others when they weren't on yours for a permanent fixture. I had someone else when you were out of the picture. The minute you were done touching me you turned to your phone with your state line girls. This isn't jealousy, it's remembering.

The promises you made, the words you said, the songs you sang, the first time I touched you in an excuse for a teenagers bathroom living the utterly sucked dry lives we lived. With the drugs and alcohol and bowls upon bowls, I fell for you. That should have been my first sign. I fell.....for you. Literally, on that cold bathroom floor laughing and kissing. Before you fed me lies through a straw only I was dumb enough to sip out of. I know you now, who you are what you're about. And there isn't enough pills in the world to bring me back to where I was.

The old days right? This is remembering.

your poetry scripts and my drug trips

And you know, I sat on that hill with my legs wrapped up so close my breathing was burning my thighs. Holding onto my bike like as if for some reason, it was going to transform into a blanket about to give me warmth. But the cold that was blaring through my body to where I could feel my blood cells shiver, wasn't the first thing on my mind.

Why you were ignoring my calls was.

I don't get how, you can so effortlessly hide behind this man made internet life style you insist on living. Because when I'm pixels on your computer screen, you are invincible. You can say whatever, however. You can act like some....like some...like some person I know you're not.


And it's these walls I've built. These emotional boundaries I hold so close to myself, I didn't know how to classify them. Not until you came along. You shoved your opinions down my throat quicker then you could properly say hello. You claimed you knew who I was, what I was about, how I carried myself and where I was carrying myself to. You said you loved me instantly because you knew me.

I'm not you, boy. You speak to me like I'm some verbal diary keeping tabs on all your insight. Your insecurities, I'm them wrapped up on everything you reach for.

Remember what you said? That those who think they are resistant to being manipulated. They are the ones easily manipulated.

I sit here, with the impression of a confused little heart broken girl. When I tell you the words because I know what I get from them. Remeber, Ty? Remember the talks we had when we spilled our guts. Remember when you thought I would take them one way. Well, I've taken them another. These feelings, the phone calls, the emotions, the friction. The silent moments killed with 'I love yous'.

Those are the moments I held and hold. The ones of when I think deep about you, they emerge. Only because when it's remote thinking, when it's you crossing my mind. It's just you ruining my time. Don't think that out of all those times I've cried about you, I was always alone.

I've had my tweaks, the ones who push the buttons you can't. I don't need you, I want you.......... I wanted you.

But I'm sure you'll pick me up soon. Back off from right where you dropped me. With the hold ons and the hang ups. The love yous and want yous. I'll be here don't worry. And I know you'll be there. I've said I'll drop it. So here, I'm dropping it. I'm an over reactant anyways. So don't mind me, they'll take my mind off you. And I'll remember to put it back when the time comes. I love you, I do. So I'll ride back home and check for that phone call you never put the time to giving me.


'She's emotionally suppressed in a lot of ways because of a haunting fear of being unremarkable.'

Maybe you're right, I guess I'll find out.

so old.

so sad.

so stupid.

so so so so stupid.

i'll never forgive myself for trying to fill all my voids with a handful of pills or a line.
if the past was a person i would kick the shit out of it.
can't say it enough.
not enough.
not enough.
not enough.

rereading old rants, does have its benefits. i've grown up, not so gullible, not so naive and not so god damn dependent.

i don't take back any of my last entry but;


if i had the time to copy everything you wrote to me in "the list" it would make me feel one hundred times better about everything.

youre no different than someone i call one of my best friends.

and i'm no different than someone you call your best friend.

so i guess if he can do it, i can too.

i love waking up to you every single morning as well.

i know i'm slob but i also know how much you like babying me.

you help me get through school, thank you.

by waking me up, driving me to meet carpool and helping with lunch and breakfast.

texting me through out the day or listening to me rant on the phone about how horrible the human race is.

thank you.
i wish i could remember everything in the note but it was to long.
oh yeah;

youre welcome for making you happy every single day.

me moving out will be good for us, i know you are having trouble with it and its going to be a pretty big change... but we can get through it, we've come this far.

can we w1n?
yes, we c4n.

watching you dance to david bowie and sing china girl will always be running around in the back of my head. you are my sunshine, my only sunshine.

Shut the fuck up she said I'm going fucking deaf You're always too loud Everything's too loud Now that all my friends left This place is fucking dead I wanna move out When can we move out? This shit has got to stop I'll run away Get the fuck up she said Your life is meaningless It's going nowhereYou're going nowhere You're just a fuck up she said I'll live alone instead She said:"You don't care"I know I don't careI'll never ask permission from you Fuck off I'm not listening to you I'm not coming home I'm never going to come back home I got too fucked up again And passed out on the plane Tried to forget you I can't forget you No sleep on this flight I'll think about the nights We had to get through How did we get through?I'll never ask permission from you Fuck off I'm not listening to you I'm not coming home I'm never going to come back home I'll run away I think it's time that I should leaveI think it's time that I should leave I think it's time that I should leave I think it's time that I should leave I'll never ask permission from you Fuck off I'm not listening to you I'm not coming home I'm never going to come back home I'll run awayI think it's time for me to leave.



got wasted at ocharleys bar last night.
red headed sluts are my newest friend.

whiskey through a straw.

artificial intelligence
Really? R E A L L Y?Heinous, completely and utterly heinous. You of all people, this vulnerable excuse for a teenager. Thriving for some high life modified love existence, that you're never going to reach. And because you're so utterly miserable you're attempting to take my happiness down with you?I don't even know you, I D O N ' T F U C K I N G K N O W Y O U. And I cared.ICaredIn the hopes that someone maybe even as far as you are, could remotely prove me wrong. And maybe the thought of a human who doesn't completely suck could exist.Like walking in a room with mute lovers screaming.And you totally took my words, misconstrued them to just about the opposite meaning. You tried getting me in trouble for your faults?For another person I could care less if existed or not.Kids are disgusting. And high school never left most their minds. I may be your age, but I'm nothing fucking like you. This isn't even attempts to sound mature. This is fact, I'm actually hurt by you?I'm sorry you're miserable, and I'm sorry you have no reason to be. You're a hard person to handle. And you never will amount or settle. But you got your way. I cared, you got me to admit I care. Stoked it came out of me this way. Stoked it doesn't apply to you anymore.You are a bad boyfriend.You're an even worse friend.