I started a wordpress,

but I don't think I'll use it much, I'm not sure. I am so fickle about everything. I got this overwhelming annoyance that any internet type thing I may have, has been infiltrated and taken for another's own purpose, just to molest my words and twist them so they fit. I don't give a shit about your daddy issues. Stalk me, I'm not changing. You however, seem to change with the slightest nudge. But you are neither here, nor there. mattering. not.

Ben has fixed his saucer gaze on my hands, and the fact that they are not touching him...but these keys instead. Today has been a very bad day, as to be expected I guess. When one thing starts work another starts to fail, it seems like that is my one and only constant. Dinner for one. again.
I'm going to attempt to put into words the order of events and the order of feelings that have been swimming around waiting for me to pull the plug.

It's been three months. ish. And I honestly didn't know if we would talk again, I just never saw any sort of opening for something like that to happen. I didn't even think I would hear a response from the text. I feel like our relationship's demise was the most hurtful of any other relationship I've had, which I think is what led me to being so cold. I felt like I wasn't ever cared about, I felt like I was just another someone you fucked over and brushed off. I just, I felt like I never knew my best friend. Is it possible to feel like you know someone as well as you know yourself, and in one second see a complete stranger. As soon as we talked it was like we never skipped a beat. I've been holing up in my house, trying to distance myself from everyone so that I never felt like I never mattered to anyone again. That's twice in my life, the first time I still don't think I mattered. You are the type to never say sorry, even if you know you should..it's just who you are, no apologies, go fuckyourself. Your apology to me is something I'll always hold on to. I hope this ends in our favor, I hope we've grown up a little more and learned a few things from being apart. I've missed having someone to finish sentences and accidentally match with. always. I feel good about things. I feel good about this part of my life anyway.
“But who can say what’s best? That’s why you need to grab whatever chance you have of happiness where you find it, and not worry about other people too much. My experience tells me that we get no more than two or three such chances in a life time, and if we let them go, we regret it for the rest of our lives. “
I'm thinking of joining the airforce, like thinking hard about it...is that bizarre?

“Being with her I feel a pain, like a frozen knife stuck in my chest. An awful pain, but the funny thing is I’m thankful for it. It’s like that frozen pain and my very existence are one.
The pain is an anchor, mooring me here."



“Nobody likes being alone that much. I don’t go out of my way to make friends, that’s all. It just leads to disappointment. “