good good things

about you. not about me, really, not about me at all.

With each day that plays itself out I am becoming more and more aware of how much I do want to live in Portland, by this time next year. We keep talking about it, how refreshing it will be to not know a soul our age and to just live somewhere completely new ( for the most part.) It's weird, everything fitting together but sometimes there's that piece missing. There will always be those what ifs and could have beens, the "I was really young when I settled downs." But I have to steer from that way of thinking. There's that side that says, "youre twenty one, you've only had two serious boyfriends, whom you have both lived with and the only people you have ever slept with....live a little." But I feel like I am living, and that if I was to let something as amazing as what I do have go just to "act my age" I feel like I would end up regretting that 'what if' the most. Watching Ben snuggle into whatever clothes I have lying on the floor, hearing I love you and knowing he means it no less than ten times a day, loving someone with all my heart and it being reciprocated, staying the night out just to wake up to I miss you and I love you calls, having someone who puts up with my mess and makes me breakfast and packs my lunches. Now that I've had a taste of the good life and how my future will be, I could not live with the 'what if' that would be us if I listened to that small spot in my brain. Maybe it's because we've been talking about marriage a lot lately and what we want to do and how we want to do it, which isn't all that scary, it's kind of exciting and comforting. I don't hate stability, I think it's just a very foreign thing in my life and I am growing more and more accustomed to it.

I am currently watching Ben and Milo suck on the same blanket that they have been dragging around this house for days, they are sharing a girlfriend and they take turns getting their fuck on. I'm ready for these two days off, even if this week seemed to fly right by me. During my work weeks I really don't feel like doing anything aside from curling up in bed with my dogs and reading. I work with some of the most talented and amazing people I've ever had the pleasure of meeting. Hanging out with them is probably more fun than hanging out with anyone my own age, (alison excluded) today at lunch, Robbin and Jill were discussing how they can't believe I'm twenty one and that I must just be an old soul, I'm okay with that. I've always been this way and I more than likely always will be. I think things through, I don't act out of spite, I handle my aggression in a calm manner, and I'm not some half wit. I do drink occasionally, not enough. I'll smoke weed rarely, but I'm not in high school anymore. I have shit to do, and I don't feel like mumbling around the script from Dazed and Confused while I look for a lighter or "the weed i must have lost" I grew up fast, in almost every way...maybe I just zoomed straight into my mid thirties? Obviously I am female and I do have those days where I just feel like being a fucking brat. I am allowed. Odd Blood on repeat.