i cant stress this.

We search for emotional attachment and relationships to fulfill the voids we have.. We try to ensure security with people so that maybe we've ensured security within ourselves. We look to people to fill the holes in our souls and to create happiness within ourselves. When in reality it's people who created the voids we're desperately trying to fill. Why not try and find the happiness in ourselves, we seem so dying to search for everywhere else. If im looking for happiness by means other then me, wont that happiness be temporary. Because honestly i can only rely on myself..to actually stay happy, people come and go..so if our or my happiness relies on those people and the trends that come with them..my happiness was fleeting at a moments glance. Nothing substantial that could weather the worst of storms and the saddest of deaths.I need happiness that will at least make one heck of a try at bringing me through the potholes in life.

i cant live my life due to other people fucking up at life, ultimately i choose.
win or lose?
positive or negative?
is it really all that hard... or do we just need to hang on.

we can convince ourselves of anything. no matter how ludacris it actually is.you get to a point where you have to decide have things become so mixed up you can no longer sort them out. have you screwed up and talked yourself into something to far gone. have i painted myself into a corner? of all the places id paint myself. it would never be where ive somehow managed to find myself.yet it was me.all me.all along.and in the end i have no one to answer to for it.or blame.it was all me.all along.for such an indecisive person. i sure have made my mind up on one thing.the one thing that is fleeting. and leaves at any given point. just packs up and goes like nights storm. and the next morning there are some broken tree limbs and maybe some roofing torn apart. but nothing that has any irreversable damage. i dont know where this is going. no where i suppose. just like everyone and everything else.

i had my first day of school today.
i feel amazing and excited and anxious for my future.
im eighteen, and technically in one year, my life is over.
its not, but ill have my career ill be making no less that 60 thousand a year.
thats more than enough for one person.
im just, i feel like ive grown up so fast.
i have, ive always been like this. ahead of my time. to an extent.
i like school, i'm excited.
its going to be the only thing keeping me going, my constant. my stability, i will always have it this year.

at the same time ive realized something;
i will never measure up, never be what you want.
i'm not less, im amazing.. completely amazing.
you havent settled for less.
it sucks it seems as if you did.

i wish i could make someone happy, someone really happy.
i feel like i'm in the movie shopgirl.
jeremy, where are you?
where am i?

i will be missed, that is the only thing i know out of all of this.
my mother and i will always connect but always butt heads.
always.