i

feel as though I'm just watching the series of events, like I hold no real attachment to any of it.

But at the same time when I go to roll over in my bed only to find an empty space it all becomes a little more real.

Not enough for me to take back any decisions, but real enough to count.

I'm supposed to be growing up at this point in my life, I graduate in a couple months and that heavy thought of real life is ever present.

This week I am making my salon runs.

The Portland theory still stands, but I know I won't go it alone.
It's funny even when the reaction or outcome of outlandish things is precisely the one I wanted, I can't help but to feel empty with all of it.

My snarky tongue will end up paying a high price.
Not to say I don't enjoy some of this but it all gets kind of old and tiresome.. exhausting would be more accurate.
I text to much, far to much for what I know is my own good.

I'm not sure where anything is headed right now, I just feel like I'm stumbling around. So excuse any mistakes I may make in the process of trying to find myself again, I'm just so unsure of almost everything. I do know I'm done with blacking out. I'd like to remember the rest of my nights. SO that is a mistake I'm not repeating. I'm not sure which ties to cut and which to leave open, I just feel so helpless right now. Thinking to much. I miss the cold wooden floors and the creaky door, the day it snowed I remember it being a really good day. I was taking lots of Polaroids, I had some master plan but it of course never was finished. I miss curling up in bed bundled in lots of blankets with hot chocolate and sims two on the xbox. I could have stayed like that for days if you would have let me.

That jawbreaker song should remind you of me, it couldn't have been more true. I did everything possible and it wasn't ever enough. So excuse me if I finally was beaten to far down to continue sacrificing my breath. I need to be up in the air.