seeing red couldnt be more true.

you dont always have to keep your head higher than your heart.

well said.
school isnt as bad as i think, i know that.
i am totally content with foils all day.
i love color.
it keeps me moving and thinking.
which is what i need.

i dont quite know what to say or where to start.
aside from my repetitious dreaming, needs to come to an abrupt halt.
the same scenario over and over, night after night.
i wake up uneasy, and slightly crazy.

you were everything i should have hated, but for some reason my mind went blank and i stuck it out for a little while. i thought our knitted friendships were solid and real, now looking back knowing everything i know.

i hope the three of you burn. die. something. whats horrible is im trying not to be heartless, clearly i am not owning it. for awhile i was made out to be some liar, now everyone knows. its a year later but everyone knows. i'm okay with taking the heat as long as i did, i expect it from pieces of shit.

nothing, it was all a bunch of nothing. i went down the wrong road for a little while, and i can safely say its never going to be traveled again.
i have to much heart now, not enough naivety.
still young, just not as gullible.
still giving out chances to people but i am no longer the i fix ugly houses slogan.
this is from may 12th;
i just found my way back into this circle.


i want out, do you hear me? out.

i can't read enough.
i can't write enough.

I am getting claustrophobic down here, I need to be up in the air, I need a plane.

and I would like one now, I have to get up in the air. I need to fly.
I need a lay over in a city i don't know my way around.

god damn it.
i just need to be safely secure in an airplane, i would give my right leg for a ticket to anywhere.


stressin. stressin. stressin.

i would like to be on the show survivor.
and if the show never ends, i would be okay with it.
what i would give, to be back at home working in hallmark eating subway everyday with callie.

april 29th;

theres

a place in my head and a place in my heart.

the two seem to think they arent miles apart, but thinking and my instinct have become one. my intuition is no longer magic and i fear i am losing the battle i have fought my entire life to win.

i am not the girl i was. Yeah so what. I have this spot for you, solely because I don’t know what’s better for me. It will always be like this, I will never have what I know is what I need. Its in my genes, my mother fucked up. I'm sure my grandmother did the same. Like mother like daughter, in every instance. The familiar feeling of liver failure has become a constant thought racing through my entire my body, a craving. I can't decide if the radio talk shows are correct in their brainless humor. Do people change? Does the beginning set the tone for the climax and then the curtain call? Or can each part be different. Can we overcome? Or is this all we are? This can not be all I am, all we are. I have worked to hard on keeping people out, to let the people I keep in shit on me. I will close everyone out, and by everyone I mean specifically you.

You know what they, if you don't have anything nice to say, sit by me. FUCK THAT and fuck what you heard. I'm done, I'm going back but with that backwards tiptoeing I keep a closed heart and a closed mind. In the end its only me to whom I have to answer to.
not YOU not YOU not YOU.

one two three.
fall in line, you mindless fucking zombies. sheep. I am no sheep and I have no shepherd.
It's just me. Looking for me in anything or anyone else.

i talk about remembering like its all i have left.

is it?
------
milo's tear duct has popped out, he has gotten all his vaccinations, but this just happens to certain breeds. if this ointment doesnt work, a five hundred dollar surgery.

oh, sometimes i know god hates me.

cheers darlin.