old news

old private livejournals;

from ages ago. thought they were lol worthy.

its silly how now your best friend wants me

And that one bath we took. In your daddy's tub with the bubbles that
didn't work like at all. They all just disinigrated into nothing but
a cloudy water textured with nothing but the dirt off my feet and the
hair products you insisted on using. And I was snuck in that night,
this was previous to the closet party. And we sat naked looking at
each other talking, about what, I don't remember.

I don't remember
much when it comes to you. I was so much younger then I even am now,
and at the time I took you serious. Now, thinking about it, I have
nothing when it comes from you. I remember the phone calls that would
last all night. The jokes about tummy stix and the non cable tv
background music of Will and Grace. I remember my hair
was blondish then, and you would have your mom pay to get yours done.
I remember actually thinking of you as my boyfriend.


Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahhah.

I remember being really
dumb then. But you were the only one who knew about all my secrets.
And my wishes and fears. I don't know why I ever told you as much as
I did. I guess you were like a love lesson program or something. And
I never quite grasped how people could be together and then never
even bother with each other. As if they never existed. Sometimes, most
the time, you don't exist. It's only when the smallest things somehow
travel through my mind and bring me back to you. Recently, it's all
this stem cell research. And how the first day you touched me, and we
tainted your friends bed before he ever even came close to it. How I
felt disgusting, but the conversations were worth it. This is such an
odd memory and ramble. My sobriety is really taking it's toll on me.
I suppose, I suppose I remember you. And I suppose I wonder if you
ever remember me?

space waste

And it's funny returning to these tracks of how I memorized how many
letters fit on each line of this notebook. And how I could go for so
long counting the lines I take up with the words that mean nothing.
And how I'll think over all the people I've written about and who was
real or not.

And B A M, back to Y O U.
Relapse, relapse, relapse,
and we were off to a good start. I thought just maybe we could
be........friends? But of course, thank the liver killer to ruin your
emotions for a night. And then you'll return to your black hole of
our talking, and it goes back.

But I'm not stressing this time, I really realized for once I didn't do anything. You know? I was scotch free and didn't even lie to get my way there.
See you around bud.

Seeee youuuu aaarrrooooouuuund.

I left my body behind

You talk about remembering as if it's all you have left.
I can't remember when it comes to you, all it brings me is distress.
And that television screen that you oh so utterly try to hold the reflections of our memories in, I hope it falls and breaks next time you're looking at yourself playing the guitar and screaming lyrics about this girl with blonde hair and eyes that change colors.

Remember, how you've wanted me forever? This fragile frame with an alcohol level that could kill a man. All of this, the reason you wanted me. The novelty item.

Those songs you insist to keep singing, the compact disks only I have broken, your ipod that got stolen with all the remainders of my screaming voice in the passenger seat of your car. This voice is cracked, these lungs don't work, this throat is too raw from the ends of tooth brushes to even think about singing the songs that once reminded me of you.

You, you, you, you, you, you.
You were a giant among the other boys.
With legs I couldn't take my eyes off whether next to me or across my room.
Your hands always throwing up the hang loose symbol with some stupid expression on your face. The face I kissed over and over. The face that went from a secret to a accomplishment. That face.

The one that couldn't handle just looking at mine. Let's get this straight, I wasn't some bitter girl who thought everyone wanted to fuck you. I was a girl who opened her eyes and realized you wanted to fuck everyone else. I wasn't enough, I'll never be enough for you. You sucked the life out of me emotionally and this is all I get? Some shitty love songs with a handful of apologies. I don't need you you see. I wanted you. I completely and utterly wanted you. Wanted, past tense. The other girls can have you now, the ones you kept hidden away, thinking you could out smart me. You, out smart me? What a joke.


My hands were on others when they weren't on yours for a permanent fixture. I had someone else when you were out of the picture. The minute you were done touching me you turned to your phone with your state line girls. This isn't jealousy, it's remembering.

The promises you made, the words you said, the songs you sang, the first time I touched you in an excuse for a teenagers bathroom living the utterly sucked dry lives we lived. With the drugs and alcohol and bowls upon bowls, I fell for you. That should have been my first sign. I fell.....for you. Literally, on that cold bathroom floor laughing and kissing. Before you fed me lies through a straw only I was dumb enough to sip out of. I know you now, who you are what you're about. And there isn't enough pills in the world to bring me back to where I was.

The old days right? This is remembering.

your poetry scripts and my drug trips

And you know, I sat on that hill with my legs wrapped up so close my breathing was burning my thighs. Holding onto my bike like as if for some reason, it was going to transform into a blanket about to give me warmth. But the cold that was blaring through my body to where I could feel my blood cells shiver, wasn't the first thing on my mind.

Why you were ignoring my calls was.

I don't get how, you can so effortlessly hide behind this man made internet life style you insist on living. Because when I'm pixels on your computer screen, you are invincible. You can say whatever, however. You can act like some....like some...like some person I know you're not.


And it's these walls I've built. These emotional boundaries I hold so close to myself, I didn't know how to classify them. Not until you came along. You shoved your opinions down my throat quicker then you could properly say hello. You claimed you knew who I was, what I was about, how I carried myself and where I was carrying myself to. You said you loved me instantly because you knew me.

I'm not you, boy. You speak to me like I'm some verbal diary keeping tabs on all your insight. Your insecurities, I'm them wrapped up on everything you reach for.

Remember what you said? That those who think they are resistant to being manipulated. They are the ones easily manipulated.

I sit here, with the impression of a confused little heart broken girl. When I tell you the words because I know what I get from them. Remeber, Ty? Remember the talks we had when we spilled our guts. Remember when you thought I would take them one way. Well, I've taken them another. These feelings, the phone calls, the emotions, the friction. The silent moments killed with 'I love yous'.

Those are the moments I held and hold. The ones of when I think deep about you, they emerge. Only because when it's remote thinking, when it's you crossing my mind. It's just you ruining my time. Don't think that out of all those times I've cried about you, I was always alone.

I've had my tweaks, the ones who push the buttons you can't. I don't need you, I want you.......... I wanted you.

But I'm sure you'll pick me up soon. Back off from right where you dropped me. With the hold ons and the hang ups. The love yous and want yous. I'll be here don't worry. And I know you'll be there. I've said I'll drop it. So here, I'm dropping it. I'm an over reactant anyways. So don't mind me, they'll take my mind off you. And I'll remember to put it back when the time comes. I love you, I do. So I'll ride back home and check for that phone call you never put the time to giving me.


'She's emotionally suppressed in a lot of ways because of a haunting fear of being unremarkable.'

Maybe you're right, I guess I'll find out.

so old.

so sad.

so stupid.

so so so so stupid.

i'll never forgive myself for trying to fill all my voids with a handful of pills or a line.
if the past was a person i would kick the shit out of it.
can't say it enough.
not enough.
not enough.
not enough.

rereading old rants, does have its benefits. i've grown up, not so gullible, not so naive and not so god damn dependent.